Living In Sin
by NatalieVampGirl
Summary: Putting a brave face on and a kind smile, while lying to the world and the people we loved; together we managed to conceal the truth. I'm a cheater. I'm a liar. I'm Bella Swan and I'm the other woman. This is my story. AH/AU
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does. **

**A/N:**** This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. ****Consider yourselves warned.**

**Much love to my beta Feralness Is Me. My twi-sister**** Helen, Sophia and Anthi for pre-reading! Love you lots!**

**Living In Sin ~ Prologue**

_~O~_

_You grace me with your cold shoulder_  
><em>Whenever you look at me I wish I was her<em>  
><em>You shower me with words made of knives<em>  
><em>Whenever you look at me I wish I was her<em>

_These days when I see you_  
><em>You make it look like I'm see-through<em>  
><em>Do tell me why you waste our time<em>  
><em>When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied<em>  
><em>You know I know just how you feel<em>  
><em>I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too<em>

_**Cold Shoulder ~ Adele**_

_~O~_

I would never, in my wildest dreams, think I would ever be in this situation. I was an honorable woman, and now, I couldn't find it in me to care. My actions were wrong and I hoped my suspicions were just as wrong, but something told me they were not.

What do you do when you believe your husband is cheating on you?

I never thought mine would. I loved him and I thought I was loved in return.

Wrong.

Stalking was never my thing but desperate times call for desperate measures.

That's what brought me here.

Desperation.

I was determined; I had a plan. I would finally put an end to it. I would see for myself if my suspicions were true. I would see if she was the one or not.

I stood outside the door trying to gather my strength and knock. I knew what was behind it and the thought alone made my knees buckle beneath me. I took a deep breath and raised my hand.

_Knock knock. _

I hurried down the hallway and hid around the corner where I knew she wouldn't see me.

_Please don't let it be true!_

The door opened and she stood there wearing his blue dress shirt. Her hair was all around her; she had swollen lips; and eyeliner smirched around her eyes. Her neck was covered in love bites and hickeys. Her attire screamed of sex from miles away, and my heart clenched a little.

"Hello?" She looked around, trying to find the person that had knocked on her door.

I froze.

It was true. It was true, and I couldn't believe it. My husband was cheating on me and now I knew with whom.

It didn't matter though. She was nothing, she would be out of his life soon, and then we would be happy again. We would be a family again.

_How can you say that? She will always be the only one in his heart. She always has been and you know it. _

It was true. She was his first love, and apparently that love never died. They shared the real thing, and I stood powerless, watching that woman take my husband away from me.

I would fight; I would fight for him and our Marriage. I would do anything in my power to keep them apart and get him back. Because he chose me; he proposed to me, and that is something she will never change.

He chose me.

_I'll be around Bella, you keep that in mind. In the end he will always come back to me. Just like he always has. Sooner or later._

At least I hoped he would; until now he did anyway.

The door closed, and I left with my head held high. My husband would come back to me at the end of the day, and soon she would be gone; we would be happy again. I would finally find peace of mind. I had to find myself again, because every time he looked at me like I was a stranger, I had wished I was her.

I'm Tanya Denali-Cullen and I'm desperate. This is my story.

~O~

_I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall_

_And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call_

_It's just another call from home_

_And you'll get it and be gone_

_And I'll be crying_

_It's too much pain to have to bear_

_To love a man you have to share_

_Why don't you stay_

_I'm down on my knees_

_When she calls you to go_

_There is one thing you should know_

_We don't have to live this way_

_Baby, why don't you stay_

**Stay ~ Sugarland**

~O~

There are some things you have no control over; your actions and their consequences; the final outcome; the collateral damage; the heart ache; the loss; and despair. There are also things you do in order to achieve your goal. The one thing you want the most. The one thing that can change your entire world.

Some say love is good.

Some say love is bad.

Love can kill.

Love can heal.

Love can make people do things they may or may not regret later.

The question is… Is it worth it?

Is love worth all of the above?

The good and the bad in order to get the one thing you need the most?

I say it is.

Love made me do things unimaginable; things I never thought I would. I'd hurt people I never thought I could. I said things I didn't mean. I did things I never thought I could. I became another person; a person determined to get what was, to me, the one thing I couldn't live without.

_Him._

The person that had turned my world upside down.

Our story goes way back.

Since we were teenagers—awkward, nerdy, and clumsy teenagers—without knowing anything, we knew one thing. Nothing mattered, as long as we were together; that was the only thing that mattered.

Untill reality came crushing down on us, and our worlds were separated.

It was just a silly act of impulse that tore us apart.

But when life has a plan, nothing can stop it from becoming reality.

I lost him once, and I was determined to do _anything_ to get him back. Because losing him wasn't an option. Our love wasn't something we could change. We were meant to be and that was it. No matter what.

Was it easy?

Most definitely not.

Was it worth it?

Totally.

Because when you cheat, when you lie; when you know you deserve to be judged and pointed at, you know there's no turning back.

If I was given the chance I would do it all over again.

I would do it to be with him, because we just were meant.

Putting a brave face on and a kind smile, while lying to the world and the people we loved; together we managed to conceal the truth.

We lied.

We cheated.

We hurt.

We deceived.

But in the end… we managed to stay together.

I'm a cheater.

I'm a liar.

I'm Bella Swan and I'm the other woman. This is my story.

~O~

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

_Cause I know that you feel me somehow_

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

_Cause sooner or later it's over_

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

_**Iris ~ Goo Goo Dolls**_

~O~

I'm a greedy bastard.

When most men have a wife, a home—maybe kids—a job, a lovely life. Ordinary. I chose to have more.

I chose to have a wife, a home—not kids yet but someday sure—a job, a lovely life. And then some.

Ordinary wouldn't be the perfect word to describe it.

When I was in high school, I met this girl and I knew. She was the one. She would be on my side for ever.

Was she the one that I shared my life with? My bed? My name? My heart?

Yes.

And no.

I shared my heart with her; as a matter of fact, I gave it to her a long time ago and I simply never took it back; there was no point.

I shared my bed with her, and her couch; and her bathroom; and her bedroom floor, basically every flat surface we could find and then some.

I shared my life with her—half of it anyway. As much as I could but not as much as I would want to.

My name?

Nope, definitely not.

That was after all the main problem.

Then, there was another woman.

I shared everything with her; almost.

My bed, my name; my life.

My heart?

No, you can't share something you don't have.

I gave my heart away and I would do it again.

I'm a man that made a mistake that I couldn't fix in time.

I'm a cheater.

I'm a liar.

I'm in love with Isabella Swan.

She's my everything.

I'm married to Tanya Denali-Cullen.

She's my wife.

I'm an ass in a complicated life, but I wouldn't change it for the world. All because she's in it.

I'm Edward Cullen and I'm a greedy bastard. This is my story.

~O~

**A/N: Hate? Love? Review and let me know! ~FFNet won't cooperate so blame it for any formatting errors~**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N:**** This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. ****Consider yourselves warned.**

**I just wanted to say that you guys rock! Thank you so much for the responce. A huge thank you to those who nominated LIS for Fic Of The Week over at _The Lemonade Stand_, I just can't believe it! Go vote if you want, tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com.**

**This chapter answers a few questions. Mini-lemon alert at the end.**

**Living In Sin ~ Chapter 1**

**Lessons Learned**

_~O~_

_There are mistakes that I have made,_

_Some chances I just threw away,_

_Some roads,_

_I never should've taken,_

_Been some signs I didn't see,_

_Hearts that I hurt needlessly,_

_Some wounds,_

_That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,_

_But it don't make no difference,_

_The past can't be rewritten,_

_You get the life you're given,_

_Oh, some pages turned,_

_Some bridges burned,_

_But there were,_

_Lessons learned._

_**Lessons Learned ~ Carrie Underwood**_

_~O~_

_**Bella POV**_

Honestly, I never thought I'd be here. If someone had told me years ago that I'd be here I wouldn't believe it for the world. Edward and I were always meant to be but this is not the way I imagined things would end up between us.

During high school, I moved to Forks Washington, because my mother, on a mid-life crisis, got married to a much younger dude and left with him. I didn't blame her, ever. I knew first-hand what she'd been through when she married my father, but her behavior wasn't typical for a mother. Especially a mother of a teenager—wrong role model and all. That's why I moved with my father, Charlie. I loved my parents dearly but I partially blamed them too. You see, when you're living in a broken family, which according to my mother it was Charlie's fault, it sort of sticks with you to the end. I was always one of those strong believers that marriage ruined romance, love and happiness.

Unfortunately for me, I was right.

At first, I had only one thought; graduate and get the hell out of that place. But then, things don't always come as you want them. On my first day on Forks High, I met Edward and the rest is history as they say. I knew I would be with him and he would change my life but I had no idea how true that statement was.

Long story short, we hit it off real quick and we graduated together; we were happy and made plans for the future. Edward was going to Harvard to be the next Cullen generation of doctors, and as for me, I was going to University of Seattle to pursue literature in hopes of someday writing my own Withering Heights version.

What a load of crap!

Everything crumbled when Edward asked me to marry him.

_**Forks, Graduation Day 2002**_

_~O~_

_Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back_

_It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind_

_Only love_

_It's so simple and you know it is_

_You know it is, yeah_

_We can't be to and fro like this_

_All our lives_

_You're the only way to me_

_The path is clear_

_**Just Say Yes ~ Snow Patrol**_

_~O~_

_**BPOV**_

_We were at the Cullen house having a graduation party that Alice had so perfectly planned, and everything seemed fine. I was a bit emotional but it felt like something was finally happening. _

_When I first came to this town, I dreamed about this day. The day that I would graduate and leave for good. _

_It wasn't that I didn't love my dad, but Charlie is a tough person to live with and his awkwardness made our father daughter relationship even harder to manage. _

_Now that the day had finally arrived, I couldn't decide; was I happy to leave this place or sad for separating from Edward?_

"_A penny for your thoughts?" Warm, strong arms circled my waist and I knew. I was sad for leaving him. _

"_Just wondering… you know…"._

"_Hmmm." His breath washed over me clouding my senses. "Are you sad? Bella, I promise I'll be over every weekend if that's possible. And if not then every other weekend." _

_I turned to look at him and his eyes held all the sadness his voice was trying to hide. _

"_Won't you miss me?" I teased._

_Being with him for the past four years of my life made separation even harder. He was my everything, he was always there and now I would have to be on my own. _

"_Why don't we go upstairs?" he asked with a timid voice that did not initiated sex. _

_Edward was hot. Just as simple as that. Really smocking hot for that matter. Tall, broad shoulders and built body—thanks to his older brother, Emmett, who made him work out every day. Edward was like his father, Carlisle, the very one that I had a crush on like every other sane woman/girl in this town. And he had a heart of pure kindness thanks to his mother, the Mother Teresa of Forks. With his father's good looks and his mother's green eyes and unique shade of brown hair, I was a goner from the begging. _

_Being with him was simple; it felt natural and I never questioned it. He was my great boyfriend whom I was lucky to have. So when it felt right, we consummated our relationship. Which was a month before our sophomore year. And it couldn't have been more perfect._

_I had learned to read him like an open book; I knew when his bedroom meant sex and when his bedroom meant talking. And tonight it meant talking—serious talking at that._

_Forks was a horrible town to live in. You rarely watched the sky without clouds and just as rarely you'd have a dry ground to walk on, but Edward's room made all of it magical. Somehow, being in there was like a Twilight Zone. He had a huge glass wall that had a marvelous view on the back of the house; I could just stare outside and watch the rain sliding down the wall forever. _

_I remember the first time Edward showed me his room; it was horrible, and I ran out like I had caught on fire. _

_I hate the rain and I hate the thunder and lightings, but Edward made all that go away. _

"_Come back to me, baby." Again, Edward broke my reverie. _

"_Do you remember the first time I stepped in here?"_

_He laughed. "Of course, you ran like out of here like a madman."_

"_Well... a little warning would have been nice you know. I mean, you knew I didn't like the rain and you didn't say anything!" I slapped his arm playfully and he wrapped me in a huge hug. _

"_Aww, poor baby. But you got over it didn't you?" He looked into my eyes with a proud smile. _

"_I did." I nodded. "Thanks to you, I did." We both smiled, remembering the way he made me forget about the huge wall, that showed off the storm outside, and focus on him._

_He smiled and lowered his face. My lips met his and I sighed. The way he made me feel was extraordinary._

_What started as a slow kiss turned into a full passionate make out session and suddenly we were rolling around on his bed. _

_Hmmm, maybe it was a sex initiation after all._

_I start lowering my hands on his dress shirt but he stopped me. "Bella, I want to talk to you."_

_Damn!_

_I cupped his face and kissed him again. "Should I be worried?"_

_He nuzzled his nose with mine and smirked. "What for? I'll be right back."_

_With that I was left alone, waiting for him to come back. When he did, he came over and sat at the edge of the bed pulling me with him. _

"_I had other plans for tonight but Alice's party ruined everything so I'll do this now."_

_His green eyes were intense and looking at me like he was trying to look right through me. "Bella, I don't want to leave for college and leave things unplanned or whatever. I love you, you know that." He looked at me with those piercing green eyes and a weird feeling made my stomach tie in knots._

_Was he breaking up with me?_

_Surely, he wouldn't, would he?_

_He dug his hand in his left pocket and fished a black velvet box._

_An engagement box._

_My heart stopped. I froze. I couldn't even blink; I could only watch him as he got down on one knee and took my hand._

"_Since the moment I saw you walk in that classroom four years ago, I knew that this moment would come and I honestly couldn't wait. I love you, Bella. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to begin that now. I don't want to leave for college without making it official. I want to marry you and have kids with you and grow old by your side. Isabella Marie Swan, will you marry me?" he looked me with hopeful yet hesitant eyes._

_My own burned with hot tears and I blinked trying to clear my view. He'd asked me to marry him. Edward asked me to marry him and I couldn't find the strength to deny. But I _had_ to._

"_Edward, I –-". My voice was a tiny whisper and I shock my head. No Edward no, not now please._

_He misunderstood my hesitation and instead, he picked up the box and opened it._

_It can't be true, please it can't be true!_

_The ring was beautiful. The kind of ring that I would have chosen for myself. He knew me so well and it killed me. My finger ached to wear it proudly but my mind was screaming at me. _

NO!

_We can't do this now, Edward has a future and we can't make this decision now. Not now!_

_He placed the ring on the tip of my finger, ready to push it in place and it took all my will power to snatch my hand back, denying him._

"_Bella?" Wide eyes met mine and my tears clouded my vision again._

"_I can't."_

_A whisper was all it took for his beautiful face to turn into a pained frown._

"_W-What? Why not?"_

_Hurt and devastation marred his features._

"_I can't marry you, not now. Why are you doing this now?" _

_Why now. Why now? Why now!__ My thoughts were like a broken record. That was all I could think._

_Too soon, it was way too soon. We couldn't do this now._

_Suddenly that feeling was back and all I wanted was for this night to be over and all of this to be a bad dream._

"_What does it matter? Now, next year, in five years, what difference does it make?" His own eyes were filled with unshed tears. "Are you saying no?" _

"_No, I'm not saying no, I'm saying not now. After college, let us get past that and then I'll marry you. I'm saying yes but for the future, not know."_

_He rubbed his eyes and looked at me with a cold gaze and an angry look that gave me goose bumps._

"_It's different and you know it. We're not like your parents. I love you; don't shut me out like this. We can do it."_

_I shook my head. Long talks about marriage with Renee and all the things that went wrong for her swam in my head. I knew that with us it was different but being married and having all those miles separating us was hard enough. "I'm not ready, Edward—we're not ready. We're leaving for college, we have our futures set. It's hard being away from your boyfriend but imagine how hard it will be to be away from your fiancée or husband."_

_He sighed and ran his hand through his wild locks, pulling at the ends. "What if we're together?" He walked over to me and took my hand again, stroking my fingers. "What if you and I go to college together?"_

_Confused, I thought out loud. "But you're going to Harvard and I'm staying here? Well, not here, in Seattle but anyway. What are you saying?" Like in a cartoon, a little light lit up above my head. "Are you saying you won't go?"_

_We both knew there wasn't a chance I was going to Harvard with him. We had talked about it; I couldn't afford it for one and I couldn't be that far away from Charlie. He might be as awkward as it gets but four years living with me had made him change his whole life and therefore his tactics. He was used to my cooking and as weird as it sounded, I was used to his fatherly presences in my life. _

"_I want to go with you to Seattle."_

_I was up and out of his grasp in a flash._

"_What the fuck? Where did that one come from? You are not leaving Harvard, Edward. No!" I was out of my mind. We had everything planned and now he was ruining it._

_He signed and looked at me with sad eyes. "You don't want me with you? Is that why you're doing this?"_

_It broke my heart to look at him like that but I couldn't let him give up his dream because of me. I know he would beat himself up over it and I would do the same. I hoped and prayed to God that our love was strong enough to overcome the years we would be apart in college, but I had to let him go. I had to let him have his dream. Even if it meant that I would lose him._

"_I want you, of course I do. But I won't let you destroy your future."_

"_You ARE my future, Bella. I don't care about anything else. I WANT YOU!"_

"_Don't do this to me, Edward. Are you going to make me choose? You here with me or apart? Really? That's what you're doing?"_

_He signed in frustration. "Could you? Could you really choose?"_

_I frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about?"_

"_You don't want me here and you want me to go to Harvard. What are you after?"_

_I felt like someone hit me in the stomach really hard. Was he really saying what I thought he was?_

"_You can't possible be saying these words to me." My eyes filled with tears and my vision blurred. The room was spinning and my stomach was fighting its way out of my body._

"_If it's not that then what is it? Why don't you want me with you?" he asked frustrated._

"_This is your dream. This is your future. I don't want you to come to me one day and blame me for ruining it," I whispered. Why couldn't he see this for himself?_

"_I want you! How many times do I have to tell you!" he yelled and pulled his hair again._

"_Now, you want me now. Now that we're in love and happy. In ten years you won't. In ten years you'll put the blame on me. You'll say I held you back. I won't have that weight upon my shoulders, Edward. No. You have a full scholarship waiting for you at Harvard; you'll go and when you're done, I'll still be here waiting you."_

"_Is that your final answer?" _

"_Yes. No."_

~O~

And that was the end of a great love.

Well, sort of.

When I left Forks a week later to go house hunting in Seattle I still hadn't heard from him. He left town the next morning and never came back. Somehow, that conversation had ended everything, and I didn't even get a chance to say a proper goodbye. Not that I would have been able to, anyway.

"The bed is cold."

I turned around and looked at Edward again.

No, I had no regrets whatsoever. I would never regret a decision that put me back into his life. Even if my decision had cost me a lot, he was worth it.

"The bed is always cold when you're not here." _But I live with it. _

"I know, baby. I know." He shook his head in frustration.

Trying to lighten up the atmosphere I asked, "Breakfast?" I walked past him to make breakfast but he caught up with me and pulled me back to bed.

"Yes, I can think of a thing or two I would like to eat," he growled in my ear before nibbling at it softly.

"I'm sure you can, perv!" I giggled as he brought me back to bed and rolled on top of me.

"I'm not a pervert, I'm enjoying my girl; is that a crime or something I should be ashamed of?" he mumbled as he attacked my neck.

I looked into his eyes.

Edward, my Edward.

It didn't matter that I was the only one who knew he was mine and I was his. It didn't matter that we were hiding. Sure it would have been great if the situation was different but it wasn't. And I had been through hell and back when I was away from him; just the faint memory of my broken self alone in a cold room made my heat race. I couldn't lose him again.

"I love you."

His warm, green eyes, filled with love and adoration, saw through me. "I love you too. I'm sorry."

We both were. But now we were past the point in which we blamed ourselves and the other one for messing it up and ruining what could have been something great.

We had, long ago, accepted our fate and whatever circumstances that brought us here. Truth be told there were moments when all I wanted was to shout it from the rooftops and claim him in public, but soon those thoughts vanished when I considered the hurt that would cause.

Yes, we are hurting people, but they didn't know, and now there was nothing we could do.

We just go on and live in our bubble every so often, and things are good.

For all off us.

"Don't be; let's not do this now, honey. Let's just enjoy the moment okay?"

After a while I responded, "I'm sorry too." It was small. But true, I was sorry, sorry for my mistakes and my fears. They would always haunt me, but I hoped they wouldn't hurt our relationship.

"I'm not blaming you." He shook his head.

"I know."

We were past that point now.

Every time I looked at him, I only had one thought, and I was sure he did too.

I should have said yes, I should have put my fears aside and trusted us.

I knew he had one thought too, he had told me so many times. I wished he had waited and worked things out.

This ironically kind of proved my point. We _were_ too young to make decisions that would alter our lives drastically. And we were both paying for those mistakes.

Well… lessons learned.

The hard way.

"I'll never, ever, leave your side." I looked at him with serious eyes.

I saw a brief change in his happy look; a saddened, painted expression marred his features. "You better not. You saw what happened the last time you did. That's what got us here."

I looked away. He wasn't blaming me; he was merely stating a fact.

"I know." We both did.

The last time I left his side, someone else was there to pick up the broken pieces and fix him, and now… here we were…

There was a part of me that thanked her for helping him when I couldn't, because just the thought of Edward being in the same or worst state than I was when we broke up, painted me to no end.

But there was also another part of me, the fiercer one that hated her for doing something I couldn't. Because she was there, and the broken Edward owed her so much.

Edward nodded. I rolled from underneath him and walked away. While he was here I made it my mission to make him forget about her—as selfish as that was—I wanted my bubble to be about us, and this conversation was bringing back lots of memories.

"Pancakes or French toast?" I asked from the kitchen. I was determined to make this about us.

"Hmmm, how about this." He picked me up ignoring my giggles and laid me down on the kitchen table, climbing up and undressing me.

"I started something I plan on finishing. I find you rather tastier than the pancakes." He said.

I was only wearing my panties and he was naked by the time he finished talking.

"Less talking and more kissing." I said and pulled him closer and teasingly pecked his lips. His hands trailed down my body sensually and when he reached my panties he took them off slowly.

He pulled away and pressed his forehead to mine. "What do you want, Bella?" he asked in a husky whisper.

I blinked once and without thinking I answered.

"You."

Slowly, he brought my face to his; sometimes Edward handled me so gently that at times it was as if I was made of glass and was ready to break. Sometimes, he fucked me like there was no tomorrow. I say, both times were good. Real good. But now, we needed gentle and slow; something to replace the heavy atmosphere from before.

I closed my eyes and got lost in the sensation of him surrounding me. He was everywhere; he was trailing hot kisses on my jaw and neck while his hands were palming my breasts and making my body feel like it was on fire. His hands caressed my body just the right way; the way he was able to read my body language; the way he was a step forward, always in tune with my needs.

I moaned. My special man.

"Edward… I need you, please. Now." My back arched from the table to meet his hands, eagerly and he groaned.

"What you do to me… no idea… God, Bella." Edward was mumbling through his kisses.

Our sounds were mixed together, and we both tried to come closer to one another. Frantic hands were trying to connect our bodies, and our lips were muffling the sounds we were making. Our bodies were craving the satisfaction we knew there was.

Murmured words of love were spoken when our bodies were finally satiated. Together, we provided the comfort and love the other one needed. For now, it was enough.

~O~

**A/N: Much love to my beta Feralness Is Me. My twi-sister**** Helen, Sophia and Anthi for pre-reading! Love you lots!**

**Review and let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N:**** This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. ****Consider yourselves warned.**

****As always, much love to my girls, **Feralness Is Me for being a kick-ass beta, Helen, Sophia, Anthi for pre-reading!******

**THANK YOU SO MUCH! You guys are great! Thank you for all the reviews and alerts and favs. It means so much to me!**

**On with the story...**

_**Living In Sin**__** ~ Chapter 2**_

**Nobody's Perfect**

_~O~_

I hate that I let you down

And I feel so bad about it

I guess karma comes back around

'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah

And I hate that I made you think

That the trust we had is broken

Don't tell me you can't forgive me

'Cause nobody's perfect

No, nobody's perfect, no

_**Nobody's Perfect**__** ~ Jessie J**_

_~O~_

_**Bella**__** POV**_

I felt like a schoolgirl. Waiting impatiently with the phone on my hand. Schoolgirls though, would wonder; is he with someone else?

In my case, I already knew.

Yes, he was.

With his wife.

_Sucks to be you, Bella._

My nights weren't always filled with loneliness. Through the years I had learned to live with the memories. Those memories were the one thing that kept me going. Thinking of him was my best past time. Our favorite songs, our pictures, everything.

But now, I wasn't completely alone. Knowing that I could call him or text him and he would reply, was everything.

I didn't have when I needed it the most.

But I had it now.

Like the masochist that I was, I reached under my bed and found the familiar, memory box I had. A box full of good and bad memories. But, just because I was indeed a masochist, when I opened it the first thing I saw was that awful green wedding invitation from Edward's wedding.

Green.

Yes.

"_Like his eyes, I want everything to resemble them at our wedding."_

Those were Tanya's exact words when I asked her about it.

The color was beautiful, and the wedding indeed resembled Edward.

They both were stunning. Her wedding dress and his tux. Smiles and happy faces. Lilies everywhere. She was beautiful and he was fucking beaming at her.

I would never forget that day for as long as I live. I won't forget Edward's bachelor party and the actual ceremony.

_Mr. and Mrs. Carlisle and Esme Cullen_

_request the honor of your presence_

_at the marriage of their son_

_**Edward Anthony Masen Cullen**_

_to_

_**Tanya Carina Denali**_

_daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Eleazar and Carmen Denali_

_Sunday, the twentieth of July_

_Two thousand and six_

_five o'clock in the evening_

_420 woodcferoft ave_

_Forks WA_

From the moment I found out about his engagement, those words hunted my every thought.

_**Forks, July 2006**_

_One would think that four years would have at least __changed something, anything. But no, Forks was the same. Green, moist, fogy, cold. Great, I thought sarcastically._

_I put on a brave face for Charlie and went to face the old demos. Forks had, unfortunately for me, only one store. I had postponed my arrival for as long as it was possible and the last week I've been here, we've been eating what was left from my last shopping trip in Seattle which was two months ago._

_Yeah, you get the point. We've been eating junk for at least two weeks, thank God for Charlie's fishing trips._

_So, since Forks had only one store, it was bound that I'd run into someone._

_If only had I known who._

_If there was a record about fast shopping I was sure I had broken it by now. About twenty minutes later and more food than we could eat; just to be on the safe side, I was heading for my final destination when I ran into someone._

"_Watch it, will you?" A tall gorgeous woman snapped at me and fixed her hair that were beyond perfect._

"_I'm sorry, I didn't see you." Pushing my chart on the other direction I began walking when again, she stopped me._

"_Do I know you form somewhere?" Her eyebrows were frowned as if she was trying to concentrate real hard and her lips were in a pout. "I'm sure I've seen you from somewhere."_

_I shook my head. It was definitely a pick up line and I would have punched her if she was a guy because really, 'do I know you from somewhere' was so awful, but then she smiled and her eyebrows rose almost as high as her hairline. "You're Bella."_

_Now it was my turn to frown, "You know me?"_

_I remember faces, and this one I would definitely remember because she's not the kinda woman that you can easily forget. And frankly Forks had so many of them but her designer clothes gave her away. She wasn't from around._

"_I'm Tanya Denali." As if that was supposed to make sense, she shook my hand and then motioned behind her. "Why don't we go pay and then get some coffee, huh?"_

_Was she... was she asking me out?_

_Nah, impossible._

"_Do I know you?" I asked again while thinking were the hell I had put my pepper spray._

"_No, but I know you. Edward Cullen, does that name ring any bells?" She smiled as if that cleared it up._

_I could feel the blood in my veins freezing as she spoke his name and the hair on my body raise all at once._

"_Oh, yep, I think it does." She smiled again. "Come, we'll pay and then we're out of here."_

_My legs were moving but my mind was numb._

_She knew him? But how come she knows me?_

_I shook my head and pulled my wallet, pay and get the hell out of here, that's what my mind was screaming at me._

_But then again, karma is a bitch, and a big one at that. Because Tanya pulled out her own wallet at the same time, and she opened it. And that frozen blood in my veins somehow reached my heart, and she too, froze._

_Inside her wallet, was a familiar picture. Well, sort of. At least I knew someone._

_Edward._

_Edward and Tanya._

_Together._

_In her wallet._

_A picture._

_Of them._

_Kissing._

_Smiling._

_Looking blissfully happy._

_Radiant green orbs were looking at her adoringly while her blue ones were looking at him with so much love that it made me look away. Even in the picture I could see it. The love they shared._

_And it killed me._

_Because that could have been me._

_That picture could have been me and Edward. Like all the pictures we had taken. Like all the pictures I would look at before crying myself to sleep._

_It could have been me but I said__ no._

_But again, karma is a bitch and one slap in the face isn't enough. Dragging my eyes from the picture I saw something else._

_A ring._

_On her finger._

_An engagement ring._

_Get out! Get out of here before it's too late. Get out!_

_My mind was screaming at me but my damn legs wouldn't move._

_I needed a confirmation._

"_A-a-are you engaged?" I whispered and looked up at the sealing as if that could stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks._

_She beamed, she fucking beamed at me, "Yes, isn't this great? We came back to plan the whole thing, we're getting married here."_

"_Congratulations." The words were out of my mind before I could think about it. I was on autopilot._

_GET OUT!_

_I had to get out, I had to leave, I had to go somewhere were I could break down._

"_I have to leave." I whispered again._

"_Are you okay? You are looking a little pale." She asked, her tone laced with concern._

_Why couldn't she be a bitch, why couldn't she make it easier for me to hate her? Why was she so nice to me?_

_I nodded, "Yes, just tired."_

_She pulled a little white card from her purse and handed it to me._

"_Call me, so that we can arrange a meeting. I'm sure Edward will be ecstatic to see you again. Oh, and I have to give you an invitation."_

_Fuck you! Just fuck you and your invitations!_

_Again, all I could do was nod. I looked at the card and did a double take._

_You have GOT to be KIDDING me!_

_**Tanya Denali-Cullen**_

_**Obstetrician / Gynecologist**_

_**Forks General Hospital**_

_Tanya Denali-Cullen_

_FUCK. MY. LIFE._

~o~

_I broke down eventually. I just circled and circled around town, crying my eyes out and screaming at myself._

_Because really, it was just my own fault._

_He proposed to me and I said no. I should have said yes but I didn't._

_She did though._

_Just the though of him proposing to her made my skin crawl. Made me want to puke and scream at myself some more._

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!_

_I lost him. Now I had truly lost him._

_~o~_

_Four years. Four years and the house was the same. Modern, beautiful, big, full of memories._

_I didn't even realize but when I drove past the road that lead to the Cullen house, I just kept driving the familiar road and now…_

_What do we do now, Bella?_

_Get in there and punch him, or kiss him. Whatever._

_I inhaled deeply and turned the key in the ignition, it was a mistake. My emotions were all over the place and it wasn't a good moment to face anyone, let alone him._

_Just as I was about to leave, a door slammed closed._

_It felt like my entire body was a live wire. There was a buzz coming from the air, the atmosphere changed._

_Edward._

_I could feel him everywhere. My lungs inhaled the air around me, somehow knowing we shared the same. My fingers inched to touch him. My eyes begged to meet his. But my heart; my heart was torn, having him so close to me, knowing he's here, watching me, made my heart beat faster, frantically. On the other hand, this was it. I came to get some answers but my heart couldn't bare more pain. I couldn't look into his eyes while he spoke of her. I couldn't listen to him telling me how much he loved her and how happy she made him._

_I couldn't bare so much pain._

_Four years of blaming myself of what had happened had left me a shell of a person. I had no more energy to deal with more pain._

_My hands trembled as I twisted the key again._

_Leave, my heart screamed. Leave before it's too late._

"_Why are you here?"_

_Eyes closed. Deep breaths. Cold sweat covering my forehead and my palms. My heart was beating frantically._

_His voice._

_I hadn't heard his voice in so long._

_It seemed different, heavier, but strangely still the same voice that used to tell me sweet things and brighten my day._

_Still the same Edward._

"_Why are you here, Bella?" He asked again._

_It was dead silence. I could hear him speaking from the door._

_Why was I here, really?_

_To tell him to stop?_

_To tell him I still love him?_

_To ask him if he truly loved her?_

_To ask him if he still loved me?_

_Why?_

"_I don't know." I answered out loud._

"_Very well then. Leave."_

_I still hadn't turn my head to look at him. But his voice; it was like his voice alone gave me a strange strength. Like it was the one thing my body craved. I craved him, his voice, and his touch… his love? I craved him and my body was starving, until now. It was like I was soaking it all up, it was like it revived me._

_Just one look and then I'm out of__ here._

_I slowly turned my head on my right._

_Edward._

_My Edward._

_Oh god._

_Dizziness clouded my mind and my breathing slowed down. It can't be. He can't be in front of me._

_The same green eyes. A strong jaw, a masculine face but my Edward was still there. The boy I loved had now turned into a beautiful man._

_Edward._

_My Edward._

_He closed his eyes and took a deep breath._

"_Bella." He murmured so quietly I almost didn't hear him. Almost._

"_Edward." Saying his name out loud brought a fresh wave of pain and… relief? Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I could breath normally again. Like all those years, I was merely passing through the days trying to keep myself together. Like now, I could finally break down. In front of him. Get my answers and maybe, maybe move on._

"_You're getting married." There was no point in hiding; I was here for one reason._

_Every time I thought about reuniting with him, I never though we'd do it under these circumstances. I wanted to tell him he looked good. I wanted to tell him I missed him. I'm sorry I fucked up._

_Saying it out loud though seemed so fore__ign. So strange coming from my lips, in reference to him and someone else. Not me._

_My heart literally clenched. Someone else._

_I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as the tears clouded my vision._

_He was getting married._

_I can't lose him again._

"_You already did. And how did you find out?"_

_Apparently I had no brain filter and was saying things out loud._

"_I did not. I ran into Tanya; she recognized me." She had. I was lost into my own thoughts, but she was the one that talked to me first. Had he been talking to her about me? She must have seen pictures of me because she knew me._

_His brow frowned. "__You lost me. Did you tell her anything?"_

"_I __didn't loose you; she was the one that talked to me actually. She wanted to get together and give me the invitation for your wedding."_

_The more I repeated it the more I believed it because really. I did not. He was single, engaged but not married at least. I still had a chance._

_You can't think like that! What are you doing Bella!_

_Memories of me, sick, crying and yelling for Edward to come back flashed in my mind. I couldn't go through that again. I lost him once and it almost killed me. If that happened now, I was sure it would be the final straw._

"_You did, I'm getting married!" He snapped in rage._

_Rage._

_A powerful emotion._

_But love was powerful too._

"_No, you're not married yet. I still have a chance."_

"_Are you insane? WHY? Why are you doing this to me now? Why? Why after all those years? Now that I'm happy? Now that I'm over you? Why now? Tanya is a good person. She deserved to be happy and you're here, trying to ruin it for her. Trying to make me change my mind? Why Bella? Why now?" He was yelling and pulling his hair like a madman._

_I opened the door and stepped out side of my car, shutting it behind me. "Because I still love you. I made a mistake and I'm here, trying to fix it."_

"_No, you had you're chance and you said no. So now, I'm saying no to you too. I don't care. Leave."_

"_No."_

"_What do you want from me?" He yelled again._

"_I want you to tell me you still love me." No, I didn't want it. I craved it._

_I ached for it._

_Those three words again._

_He laughed and then turned serious again._

"_You are insane. I'm getting married. I will not do this to Tanya; she deserves better." He said like that was supposed to be my answer._

"_Look me in the eyes and tell me you love her then."_

_What the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be protecting me not shatter me! My heart yelled but I knew. If he didn't feel anything we wouldn't be still talking about it. He wouldn't be acting like a fish out of the water._

_The conversation would be over by now._

_And yet, he still couldn't say the words._

"_Come on Edward. You're the one that's getting married. You have told her you love her, right? So say it to my face. Say it!"_

_I was in dangerous territory but I was getting somewhere._

_This would either be the end or the beginning. Of what? I had no idea._

_We had, somehow, met in the middle and were now face to face._

_Don't about his smell Bella. Don't thing about his gorgeous face._

_I cupped his face and leaned in._

"_Say it. Tell me you lover her and I'm gone."_

_He took a step forward and my heart start beating frantically._

_Was he going to kiss me?_

_His lips almost touched my ear and then he whispered, "I love her. I asked her to marry me and I will marry her. I love her."_

_My__ body froze, my mind froze, and everything froze._

_If my heart hadn't been broken into million tiny pieces before, now his words would do it. They cut right through me like a __dagger through my heart._

_Could he really?_

_No, he will wait a thousand years for you, idiot! I mocking voice yelled in my head._

_You'll lose him again, for good this time. Fix it. A more reasonably one yelled back._

_I would. I would do anything to prove him wrong. Was it bad that I would go after an engaged man? Yes, probably._

_But at that moment, that sick girl how had lost the love of her life came back, and she wanted another chance. She wanted her love back, at last._

_I would try everything, to have him back, for good. Was I wiling to sacrifice Tanya? Yes._

_Did that make me an evil woman, a future cheater? Totally._

_But for Edward, it was worth it._

_I learned form my mistakes._

_This time I would let anything get between us._

_Not even Tanya._

~O~

But somehow she did. And now we're here. In this complicated relationship. I had no regrets though.

Living without him had changed me. Had turned me into a different Bella. A Bella that would do anything for him.

Anything.

Like being the other woman.

But time made it look okay even though it wasn't.

Time turned it into something more.

Would that be enough for the future?

Who knows?

For now, I would spend my nights waiting for him to come to me and be happy.

Unfair?

Nothing in life is fair, so why would this be any different?

~O~

**A/N: Yeah... So? Thoughts? Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N: This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. Consider yourselves warned.**

**A/N: For those who don't read my other stories, my computer crashed and I just got it fixed. I'm sorry for the delay! Thank you all for the response and the PMs.  
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**Un-beta'd chapter.  
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_**Living In Sin – Chapter 3**_

**Infidelity**

_~O~_

_I never love nobody fully_

_Always one foot on the ground_

_And by protecting by heart truly_

_I got lost_

_In the sounds_

_I hear in my mind_

_All these voices_

_I hear in my mind all these words_

_I hear in my mind_

_All this music_

_And it breaks my heart_

_It breaks my heart_

_**Regina Spektor – Infidelity **_

_~O~_

_**Previously…**_

_I would try everything, to have him back, for good. Was I wiling to sacrifice Tanya? Yes._

_Did that make me an evil woman, a future cheater? Totally._

_But for Edward, it was worth it. _

_I learned from my mistakes. _

_This time I would let anything get between us._

_Not even Tanya._

_But somehow she did. And now we're here. In this complicated relationship. I had no regrets though._

_Living without him had changed me. Had turned me into a different Bella. A Bella that would do anything for him._

_Anything. _

_Like being the other woman._

_But time made it look okay even though it wasn't._

_Time turned it into something more. _

_Would that be enough for the future? _

_Who knows?_

_For now, I would spend my nights waiting for him to come to me and be happy. _

_Unfair?_

_Nothing in life is fair, so why would this be any different?_

_**Bella POV**_

_**Forks, July 2006**_

"_I'm just telling you, don't do anything stupid." Victoria warned me._

"_I won't, I promise." _

_Somehow, Alice found out I was in Forks. She came over to my house; Well, Charlie's house, and we talked. About everything._

"_I'm not mad at you, just so you know. I wouldn't cross paths with Rosalie, though." _

_We were sitting in the living room, facing each other. She was my best friend, still after all those years, though this wasn't the first time we talked after my break up with Edward. _

Don't go there Bella…

_I nodded, Rosalie was a fierce person, she loved and protected the ones she cared about with no hesitation; once upon a time she would kill for me, and now she would kill me. I chuckled humorlessly at the irony. _

"_It's not funny, she's really pissed off, you know." _

Alice.

_My dear friend, she always looked out for everyone. She had so many hopes for Edward and me. She was our bigger supporter, and now, she was trying bridesmaid dresses for his wedding. To another woman. _

Oh karma… you bitch!

"_Why did you decide to come back now Bella? Who told you about the wedding?" Alice asked._

_I shook my head; had I known about the wedding I wouldn't even think about coming back. I think. _

Wedding crashing Bella? Really?

"_I didn't know, Al. Swear." _

"_Then why?" She looked perplexed and truly confused._

"_Why not? Forks is my hometown Al." Lies._

"_Oh come the fuck on!" She flew from the couch and start pacing around, "You hate this place. Absolutely hate it! And now you call it your hometown? And you expect me to believe it?"_

"_It is. I may not like it but it is. And besides, where else was I supposed to go? Until I find something to do with my degree I can't afford to live on my own." Money. That's what got us here in the first place. _

_God how much I hated money._

"_With Charlie? You're going to live here, with Charlie?" She whispered. It was that kind of whisper. The calm before the storm. "They why the hell did you do it in the first place? All those years ago, you ran screaming that you hated this place and that you'll never come back and now this?" Her eyes were pained and she was tearing up, trying to put some reason behind my actions. _

_I was a fool. I admitted that so many years ago and I learned to live with it. The guilt of what I had done was eating me alive everyday, little by little. _

"_Alice, you know how sorry I am. You know how much I regret every single word. You know how it was when I grew up; what brainwashing nightmares I had and sometimes still have. Isn't there a tiny bit of hope for me? I'm pathetic I now but I was eighteen years old, and my mind was screaming at me to run, so I did. It was a mistake. Sorry can't even begin to describe how I feel so please just tell me if there's still hope."_

_Hope. Such a tiny word, such a huge meaning._

"_He loves her, B." _

_And just like that all my hopes were shuttered. _

_~O~_

We were in our own bubble. Just the two of us, me and him. Finally.

Edward was all around me, kissing me, touching me, and whispering how much he missed me.

I, on the other hand, could only hug him tightly to me like he would evaporate in the air if I let go. My legs around his waist, squeezing as hard as I could, clutching him to me. My arms around his neck, occasionally going around his torso, again, hugging him to me. I couldn't stop touching him; I couldn't stop feeling him around me.

"I missed you so much," He whispered words between kisses. He, too, was afraid to let me go even for a second.

The need to breath made us break our tight hold on one another.

_Stupid air. Who needs air when you have Edward?_

My lungs filled with oxygen and again, I hugged him to me, resuming our position.

Kissing.

Touching.

More kissing.

More touching.

Everywhere, as if we would wake up any minute and loose this beautiful dream we were in.

A beeping noise sounded from somewhere in the room and we both ignored it.

_Damn phone! Damn you!_

_~O~_

_**Forks, July 2006**_

"_Are kidding me?" Wild red curls were flying in the air. Loose strands of hair were like fire atop of her head as she pulled on them. She was going ballistic and I was in serious trouble at the moment, because if we weren't in public she might have even slapped me. _

_I rubbed my cheek as if I could feel the pain she would inflict upon me. _

_Thank God for cafeterias. _

"_You are going to the wedding? Are you out of your damn mind? What the hell, Bella?" Wide blue eyes stared at me with fury and worry._

_Victoria was one of those that were with me in my not so memorable moments. She was the one that was always there, watching me fall apart day by day and crying out for Edward in my sleep. She was the one that helped me get through those dark moments without doing anything stupid. Only the hope of seeing him again kept me from going insane. _

_I shook my head; this was not a time to break down. Not now._

"_Vick, I don't know." I whispered. I didn't. Maybe going to the wedding would be like a closure for me. If I was seeking one, that is._

_I was far from it though. _

_Closure and Edward were two unmatchable words in my vocabulary._

_I wanted him back, for that I was sure. I just didn't know what to do._

_Alice had asked me to go to the wedding. She wanted me to make amends with everyone. _

_Yeah, like that was the right way to do it. _

_Her expression changed only for a second. "Are you going to ruin the wedding? Like I don't know, steal him away from her or something? Oh, are you going to show up dressed as a bride and get rid of her?" Her eyes were hard and her lips in a tight line. She was mocking me and she was angry. Very angry._

"_Victoria…" I warned._

"_What?!" She was yelling-whispering, trying not raising her voice._

_I sighed. This was going to be hard._

"_Look, I'm sorry, I don't want to be a bitch, really, but this is unbelievable. After all you've been through; I think you should take it easy." She was pleading me with her eyes, it still amazed me how she could talk to me, or even stand to be so close to me, or even look at me; it was unimaginable to me. In my eyes, to her, I was a constant reminder of what her boyfriend did to her. _

_~O~_

_The last thing I wanted was to go to her bridal shower, to just spend a night out with the girls and let loose. _

_Yeah, right._

_I put on a black dress and strap heels and my most convincing smile._

_She was blabbing about the wedding and the honeymoon. About their plans for the future. Tonight was their bachelor party and the actual wedding was in a week. She didn't want to have a hangover on her own wedding day, apparently. _

_Plans for the future, I'm sure she forced him to agree half to those things anyway. There was just something off about her. _

Or maybe it's just the fact that she is marring him and not you.

_Somewhere between the shots I was doing and the drinks that were going around, I faintly heard her talk. "I can only hope that Emmett won't take them to a strip club but I might be wrong." And then she laughed. "It's Emmett, of course I'm wrong."_

_Strip club? Just as the memories were coming back, someone grabbed me. _

_Rosalie grabbed my arm and dragged me with her to the ladies room._

"_Are you crazy? Let go of me, Rose."_

_From the moment I stepped my foot in the Forks-version-of-a-club-thing that Tanya arranged for us to meet and celebrate, Rosalie had avoided all eye contact with me. Even when I followed her around like a lost puppy, apologized and asking for a moment to talk to her. _

"_Look, it might be the margarita or the tequila or whatever the hell I've been drinking all night but I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to help Edward get through this, even if that meant that I have to make amends with you. I will give you one hour Bella. Just one hour to talk to him, get this thing over with and then everything goes back to normal and I'll keep on hating you. But for old time's sake and because I once considered you my sister and Edward's other half. I will give this to you and you'll shut up and take it before I change my mind and beat your ass for what you did. Now, do you love him?"_

_I was still processing what she start staying and it took me a couple of minutes to realize what she asked me and that she needed an answer. _

_Oh and she was giving me the Ice Queen look._

_So yeah that might have made me snap out of it._

_I nodded my head furiously while my brain tried to come up with the art of talking - out loud, that is._

"_Yes, I do!" _

_Like an old wound, those three words cut me open again and my heart stopped for a moment._

"_I do."_

_How many times have I woken up, screaming those words? How many times have I dreamt of myself saying those exact words instead? _

_For the past four years I avoided those words like my life depended on it. Because quiet frankly, it did. For the past four years no one has ever heard me saying those words._

_Well. Except my walls that is._

_I refused to utter them. Since I didn't say those words when the right time was, I would never again. _

_Not if Edward didn't ask me to._

_But now. Now all I could say was, I do. I love him and I do._

_I fucking do._

"_Tanya is a good woman, and she deserves a good man in her life but the truth is that all those years _our_ Edward was gone, all we saw was a zombie trying to just live though another day."_

_More wounds cracked open. And it felt as though tonight would be that night I most feared. Tonight I would get my answer. Tonight everything would end or begin again._

"_When you left, it killed him. Now I'm pretty sure it killed you too but I don't give a shit about you. I love you Bella, you're my sister but what you did, it killed him and it killed all of us too. Tanya, whatever she did, helped him. He would go about his day as if he actually gave a shit about it but he didn't once fool me. He was trying to somehow get across a message that he was fine and that what you did, didn't matter."_

_Wounds and pain everywhere._

_What have I done to him?_

_My God._

"_When you came back it became even worst. It was as if now he really wants to hurt you by showing you how happy he is. I won't say much and now that I'm drunk I'll tell you to get me drunk again because that's the only way I'll ever open up to you. I hate you for what you did. Now go and tomorrow when I ask you don't tell me anything. If everything goes well and you somehow manage to talk to him which I doubt, then fine but if not then don't even bother to try and contact him again cause I will hunt you down and then…"_

_Yep, I get it Rose._

_I hugged her, like a real hug. "Thank you Rose."_

_Is this really my chance? Can I really do this? Can I?_

_Suddenly my knees felt weak because this is what I've been praying for and now… I may have it?_

"_Bella. Don't do anything stupid."_

_It's a final warning and I faintly saw a glimpse of the old Rose. I gave her my drink because apparently drunken Rose is on my side and I need her now more than ever._

"_Drink up." _

_With one last look and run out of the club and next thing I know, I was on the road and on a mission. _

_One thing is clear. _

_One way or another I won't loose tonight._

_Whatever it takes._

_Whatever that means._

_~O~_

_Emmett will always be Emmett. That's what I murmured to myself when I arrived at the strip club. _

_Yeah. _

_A strip club._

_He went to a strip club for his bachelor party. Something he would never do to me. Yes, something as trivial as that seemed like it didn't matter, but it did. _

_~O~_

_**Forks, Sophomore year 2000**_

_"Did you go? Tell me!" I was yelling at him, trying desperately to get an answer._

_It was Mike Newton's birthday and his douche of a father thought it was a good idea to get him a strip club night with his friends. I went ballistic when a crying Jessica called me in the middle of the night to tell me that the boys were at Mike's strip club party and he was fooling around with one of the girls. _

_Honestly I could care less about those two, but for Edward not to tell me what was going on and to just leave, without texting me or something, and for a freaking strip club non the less, shit was about to get nasty. You see when Lauren had her own birthday a couple of months ago; she talked her older sister into getting us at some night club at Port Angeles. Nothing much but it was the only half decent thing so it was pretty popular._

_When Edward found out, he demanded that he would come too or I wasn't going alone. Long story short I didn't go and we didn't speak to each other for a week after he told Charlie._

God, the more I think about that the angrier I get. That freaking asshole!

"So it's okay if you party around naked chicks but I can't go to a nightclub! You hypocrite!" I started punching him as hard as I could but he wouldn't even flinch.

_"Bella it's not like that okay? We were out and the guys made a little detour, the actual party was for tomorrow but Mike couldn't wait so-" _

_"Wait, wait, wait, tomorrow? Are you freaking kidding me?"_

_There was no way I would let him go again. _

"_I'm not going okay? I won't go; tonight just happened. They wanted to go so I just tagged along. That's it."_

"_You better!" I pointed my finger at him, my hand shaking from anger. _

_Asshole._

"_So, did you have a good time?" I folded my arms across my chest waiting for his answer. My eyes screaming, _watch your next words_._

"_Well…" He smirked, "I wouldn't say I did but it wasn't bad either."_

_I narrowed my eyes._

"_I couldn't relax for a second, I kept thinking about you, here waiting for me. Faking a slumber party with Al. So yeah…" He's words came out fast and whispered like he was embarrassed._

"_Really?" I bit my lip, trying to hide my smile._

_My boyfriend was around naked girls all night and couldn't stop thinking about me. You would be smiling too._

"_Really, you stupid, beautiful girl." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "You've ruined the whole strip club experience for me. I won't even go to one for my bachelor party. Actually, there won't even be a reason for me to go. I would have nothing to celebrate; those would be the happiest days of my life. We'll spend those days together."_

_~O~_

_**Forks, July 2006**_

_I smiled at the memory, I believed him back then and I really hoped that this was a sign. He was marring her and he went to a strip club. If it was me, then we would probably spend the day together._

_On my way here, I texted him, letting him know that I was on my way. Pacing down the street, my heels echoing around me, I was trying to get my hands to stop shaking. I could hear the beating of my heart and cold sweat was gathering at the back of my neck. My lips were dry and my mouth felt like a sponge. There was a faint ache on the pit of my stomach like butterflies were battling for dominance. But all of that disappeared when I heard his voice. _

"_What are you doing here?" No bloodshot eyes. No wrinkled clothes. He did stink of alcohol but that's about it._

"_What do you want?" He asked again._

"_You."_

_There, I said it._

"_You, Edward. I want you."_

_He chuckled. "That's why you told me to come out? How did you know I'd be here anyway."_

_I told him about our last strip club conversation but left out Rose. She was on my side and I didn't want to ruin it._

"_That was years ago. And anyway, just go. It's my bachelor's party; I'm supposed to have fun. Not sit out here talking to you." He turned the other way, read to go back inside._

"_But you're not having fun, at all. Yes you're drinking and smiling around but you keep thinking of me all night long. Just like I do. You keep thinking what you told me the last time. If it was our wedding, you wouldn't even be here. You wouldn't even have come, we'd be together. You know it." _

_His footsteps stopped and he tilted his head to the side, his hands were balled into fists and he was breathing deeply. _

"_I'm sorry Edward. I really am. I was scared and I ruined everything but please, please let me make it up. Just give me a chance to make it up to you. You knew all the things I'd been though, you knew my fears and my inhibitions and yet that didn't stop you from pushing me. Why? You wanted to see how much I could take? My breaking point?" _

_Maybe this was not the right thing to say to him but it was the truth. All those years I had learn to accept the truth, I was to blame for this but he was at fault too. He kept pushing despite the fact that he knew all my fears. _

"_So now this is all my fault?"_

_Still facing his back, I shook my head though he couldn't see me. _

"_I'm not blaming you. I just want you to understand. I was eighteen and my biggest fear was to get married and end up like my parents. And you managed to scare me beyond belief, just please, I'm sorry. I will never stop, you're all I've got and I'll never stop trying to make up for everything. Please, Edward." Tears were streaming down my face and I felt empty. There was nothing more to say. I bared myself to him, asking for forgiveness and now there was nothing left. Feeling my knees weak, I took a couple of steps and reached him. Placing my hand on his shoulder, I breathed in his cent. "Don't make a mistake by marring her, Edward. Don't give up on us like I did. Please."_

_He turned around in a blink of an eye and started pushing me backwards, my small heeled feet barely keeping up with his large ones. _

"_I'm not giving up on us! I asked you to marry me because I loved you and I thought your love was stronger than your fears. We're not Charlie and Renee. We could have made it work. All of it. Because I loved you damn it. I believed in us. It was the happiest day of my life. All I could think about was the moment you'd say yes. I was dreaming of that day and you ruined it. Not me. I'm sorry if I pushed you but you just ran away. You ran and you didn't even give me a chance to talk to you. And now you dare come back here? On my wedding week no less? Why? So you can ruin this wedding too? I'm getting married, you better realize that."_

_My back was pressed against the wall; his breath filled my lugs, his arms were on both sides of my body. I dreamt of this day and I knew how much it hurt. _

"_I'm sorry. I am. Just give me a chance; please." I leaned towards him, my lips barely touching his jaw._

_His scent was filling my lungs; my hands had missed his warmth. His presence alone was enough to drive me crazy. _

"_Bella." He warned me but didn't step away from me. _

"_I love you. And I took this night as a sign. You still love me don't you? Say it. You love me."_

"_Bella." He warned me again and this time actually took a small step forward._

"_I love you, say it. You do, don't you." My lips were kissing his jaw, feeling his skin against my lips. After all those years, my heart was ready to burst from my chest from happiness._

"_I missed you." I kissed his cheek, his cheekbones, and his nose. I kissed his jaw away, getting closer to his lips._

"_Edward." I breathed as my lips touched his for a moment._

_He took a full step forward. I could feel his hard chest pressing against me. I lifted my head, my eyes seeking his. Hunger and pain. Love and desperation. _

"_I love you."_

_His heart was beating so fast, I could feel the vibrations. His breathing was erratic and his eyes were mad with lust._

_I barely heart him groaning an 'I love you too, damn it.' Before his lips claimed mine in a passionate kiss._

~O~_  
><em>

**A/N: I hope you liked it and that it was worth the wait. Review!_  
><em>**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N: This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. Consider yourselves warned.**

**A/N: All the pics are on my tumblr blog natalievampgirl dot tumblr dot com. **

**Un-beta'd.**

**Living In Sin – Chapter 4**

**Whisper**

~O~

Running the race

Like a mouse in a cage

Getting nowhere but I'm trying

Forging ahead

But I'm stuck in the bed

That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close

Yeah, you stay real close

I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me still

~O~

**A Fine Frenzy – Whisper**

_**Previously…**_

"_I'm sorry. I am. Just give me a chance; please." I leaned towards him, my lips barely touching his jaw._

"_Bella." He warned me but didn't step away from me. _

"_I love you. And I took this night as a sign. You still love me don't you? Say it. You love me."_

"_Bella." He warned me again and this time actually took a small step forward._

"_I love you, say it. You do, don't you." My lips were kissing his jaw, feeling his skin against my lips. After all those years, my heart was ready to burst form my chest from happiness._

"_I missed you." I kissed his cheek, his cheekbones, and his nose. I kissed his jaw away, getting closer to his lips._

"_Edward." I breathed as my lips touched his for a moment._

_He took a full step forward. Could feel his hard chest against me. I lifted my eyes to look at him. Hunger and pain. Love and desperation. _

"_I love you." His heart was beating so fast, I could feel the vibrations. His breathing was erratic and his eyes mad with lust._

_I barely heart him groaning an 'I love you too, damn it.' Before his lips claimed mine in a passionate kiss._

~O~

**Bella POV**

_Forks, July 2006_

_I surprised myself too. While Edward was kissing me, I was trying to re-play the last four years of my life. But I couldn't. It was like everything had been erased and the last thing I remembered was that awful day, our graduation party at his house. Our last kiss was different from this one. That one was sweet and passionate; this one was filled with lust and pain. All the pain, all the love and the missed opportunities were being poured into this tongue battling kiss; everything we've been through. _

_Edward's hands were shaking as he tried to hold me against him without hurting me but still his strong arms were rough against my skin. It had been so long since anyone had touched me like that. With so much longing and passion. My body was yearning for his touch. Back then Edward was merely a boy, he was far from awkward but still, this was a man; he knew how to handle a woman now, how to make me beg for his touch, for him. And I was not beyond begging. Far from it actually, I was ready to start begging. _

_He trailed hot kisses down my jaw line and nibbled his way down the column of my throat. My panties were ruined at this point. It had been years; his touch was waking up a primal instinct. I wanted to claim him as mine again and have him claim me as his too. Because Tanya, or no Tanya, he was mine. He always had been and a ring on his finger did nothing to prove me otherwise. _

"_Tell me to stop, I can't do this, Bella. I can't." _

_His body had a mind of his own though. His mouth felt hot against my wet, from his kisses, skin; he gripped my waist with one arm and lifted me up supporting my weight, he pushed me harder against the wall and attacked my neck again._

"_Bella." Like a little litany, my name fell from his lips._

_Oh Edward…_

"_I missed you." I missed you so damn much._

_His lips stopped moving and his grip on my hips tightened._

_Slowly he lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were the more dark shade of green with lust. His lips were flushed red and I was sure there would be evidences all over my neck tomorrow._

_A warm feeling spread all over me at that thought and I shivered._

"_Bella…" Our panting was all that echoed in the darkness of the night. I was waiting for him to pull away and leave me handing, but what happened next knocked the breath out of my lungs._

"_God damn it, I missed you too." He whispered huskily and crashed his lips to mine. _

_The need of air was pushed back as his tongue assaulted mine. Teeth clashing and tongues battling, we were out of breath and at the same time breathing into each other's mouths. _

"_I need you." _

_Words were being whispered between kisses and Edward's hands forcefully gripped the thin stings that held my dress together and lowered them down my arms, his lips following the same path. _

_My head met the wall behind me with a loud bang as a deep breathy moan left my lips. _

"_Edward."_

"_I know, baby. I know."_

_Lowering my dress further, his lips immediately closed over my erect nipple and he sucked it into his mouth; his hand covered the other one as his fingers circled my other nipple and squeezed. _

"_Edward, don't stop. Please." I begged. _

"_Oh, I'm—"_

_His phone chirped inside his pocket and my heart sank to the ground. _

_No. _

_No._

_No._

"_Just leave it." _

_He contemplated it for a moment and then shook his head, "I have to take this."_

_Just like that, I was left alone wandering what the hell just happened. _

~O~

_No one asked me about the bachelor's night and I didn't say anything either. True to her words, Rosalie had no memory of what happened and a very bad hangover. _

_Alice although had noticed it, she didn't comment on it at all. And I had no idea if that was a good thing or not._

_Currently we were in my old room with Alice; she was going on and on about the wedding while I was showing her my dress._

"_Green is the theme, you know." She said quietly after a moment of observation. _

_I know, I wanted to say but held my tongue._

"_Really? It reminds me of Edward's eyes." _

"_That's what she said." She smirked. _

_Yeah, well I don't give a fuck Al. _

_But I couldn't say that. Could I?_

_After my night with Edward I was very optimistic. Sure there was a warning voice in the back of my head that whispered something that sounded an awful lot like 'what if they get married after all?' but I pushed it for the moment. I still had almost a week to go and my excitement was over the roofs. For now I would just enjoy the feeling of being able to breathe without the constant pain in my chest. _

_It felt good. _

_My cheeks were a little sore from all the smiling; surely four years of never smiling had given me a wrinkle free face but still. It radiated off of me and I could feel it. Hope was soaking my every pore and the sky was blue again. It was like I got frozen all those years ago and now the ice was slowly melting away._

_It felt good._

_Turning my head back to Alice's direction I cocked my head to the side, "I could wear white but that wouldn't be appropriate now would it?"_

_My lips involuntarily turned upwards. _

"_Bella." She tried to sound angry but I saw her own lips twitch a little._

"_So, you like it then?" I gestured to my dress. _

_It was magnificent. Floor length and black with a green strip from the cleavage down. _

_She nodded, "I do." _

_And this time my heart didn't skip a beat when she uttered those words._

_Yeah, one night had truly changed it all. _

_It felt good._

~O~

_As soon as Alice left, my phone started ringing. It was him._

"_Right on time. Alice just left."_

_I'm all yours, I wanted to add but I held back. I was never that kind of girl but now there was no point in being a prude; he was after all engaged and we made out like teenagers in the back of an alley. _

"_We need to talk." He's voice was cold and calculated. He sounded tired and detached. _

_That was all he said and then the line went dead. _

_I sighed as I looked at the black screen on my phone. This couldn't be good but it didn't mean that it had to be a bad thing either. Surely it was to be expected. We both had a lot of things to sort out. Now more than ever._

_He didn't say where to meet him but there was only one place I could think of. The little meadow Edward had showed me back when we were still in high school. Our very own special place. _

_The place was exactly the same, covered with colorful flowers and the sun streaming through the constant clouds and trees. _

"_It's just as beautiful as I remembered it." _

_I could see the back of his head as he sat down on the grass facing away from me. Silently I walked towards him and joined him on the ground, waiting for him to talk first. I was enjoying the company way too much to ruin the moment. _

"_Why are you back?" His voice was rough and cold. _

"_It's home Edward. And before you tell me that it's not. Just let me explain."_

_Still facing away from me, he nodded his head and waited for me to continue. _

"_I made a huge mistake. I did and I realize that, but I'm here now and we, together, we deserve a second chance." _

_There was no point at beating around the bush. We were both adults and in a fucked up mess. _

"_I'm getting married." The way he said it was like he expected me to get up and run for the hills. Like it was supposed to make me stop loving him._

"_I know." _

_Though I hope you don't._

"_Then what the hell do you want?"_

"_Look what happened last night was—"_

"_A mistake."_

_Ouch._

_I nodded my head and sighed. "Do you really want me to believe that? If that stupid phone hadn't interrupted us, we would have—"_

"_Nothing. We would have done nothing!" Abruptly he turned around to face me, still sitting on the ground._

"_That's not true and you know it!" _

"_I'm getting married."_

_He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose. _

"_Stop using that to hurt me or avoid any feeling you still have. And we both know you do."_

_His eyes snapped open, wide and livid. _

"_I don't."_

_I scoffed, "Of course you do. You told me that you loved me and you missed me, remember?"_

"_I missed you, like a boy misses his first love. That's all."_

_I noticed he didn't comment on the 'I love you' part. _

_I got on my knees and leaned forward, coming face to face with him, I could almost feel his breath against my face, and I shivered as it reminded me of last night. _

"_Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me. That last night meant nothing to you. That you'll marry her and you won't be thinking of me instead."_

_Eyes were looking into each other. _

_Mine, with softness and yes all that built passion. Love._

_And his, with so many questions that I was more than willing to answer. Still, after everything he was saying, I could see his love shining though. I could feel his desire to let go and give in. I could see the same eyes of that high school boy looking at me with vulnerable eyes full of hurt._

"_Edward. I'm sorry. Please you have to understand. I was scared; I thought that marriage ruins everything. I am the living proof of it. I couldn't say yes, I couldn't just put that behind me. Fear clouded my judgment and I screwed up big time but it's not like you're not at fault too."_

"_For loving you as much as I did?" His voice was wavering._

"_No. For pushing me though. For not understanding. You knew all the things I have been though. You know my fears. And you used my greatest one to give me an ultimatum. I never wanted you to give up your dreams about college and stay here in Forks where so many memories were eating me alive. You know this. You know all of this. And yet you didn't hesitate. You asked me anyway and you made my worst nightmare come to life."_

_My voice was just a small whisper. All the fears and all the hurt finally became too much to handle. _

_What if he still didn't want to give me a chance?_

_What if he still wanted to marry Tanya?_

"_Bella, you're not Renee, and I'm not Charlie. I get what you're saying but our love should have been enough to make you see that."_

_My heart sank, even after all these years he still didn't get it. _

"_Edward. You have to step in my shoes for a moment. You had the perfect family, of course you think marriage is a blessing. But for me, it's a curse."_

_He got up and looked down at me, "I'm getting married, even if it's a curse as you so kindly put it."_

"_You're making a mistake. Just like that one I made that night."_

"_You'll see about that."_

_He started walking in the opposite direction and tears filled my eyes._

"_You're making a mistake. I just hope you realize that sooner than I did. For both of our sakes." _

_But he was already gone. _

~O~

_The day passed by in a blur. All the happiness and the joy I felt last night and this morning had vanished. He had shuttered any hopes I had but I still wouldn't give up. I gave up once and I wasn't doing it again. Yes, it was possible that he would marry her, still after everything that had happened between us – though I would manage to see him again somehow – I wasn't so sure about his undying love. Yes, deep down it felt as if I was just kidding myself but the love we had just couldn't go away, not like that. Not that easily. I had hurt him but it killed me in the process too. I would find a way to make him realize that. The mistake I made tore us apart and now he was about to make an even bigger one. _

_Looking at the dress that hung from my small closet a deep sinking feeling tugged at my heart. It could happen. I would be there present as he declared his undying love for her in front of their entire families. _

_His so called love though felt more like a shield. Like he was trying to protect himself from me and hurt me while doing it too. _

_Rosalie's words echoed in my mind. _

…_When you came back it became even worst. It was as if now he really wants to hurt you by showing you how happy he is…_

_Maybe she was right; she had no reason to help me after all. On the contrary I think if she could get away with it she would kill me._

_Was he really trying to hurt me by getting married?_

_Well, it worked._

_But Edward wasn't that kind of a person. He wouldn't do something just to hurt me._

_No, the Edward you knew wouldn't._

_A voice that sounded an awful lot like Victoria echoed in my mind. _

_Yes, my Edward wouldn't do that but this one? I wasn't so sure about it anymore. Hurt and anger is the worst combination ever; maybe he was trying to get back at me, I deserved it after all. _

_I briefly remembered all the agony I went through all those years._

_Deep down I was grateful for Tanya. She had pulled him out his misery and whatever she did had worked. Actually, more than worked._

_Was it gratitude? What he felt towards her. Was he grateful for all the help she had provide him? Was it a deep friendship and utter gratefulness that made him propose?_

_An image flashed before my eyes; Edward down on one knee, pure love and adoration clear on his face, a sparkling ring on the palm on his hand. I had that. And I ruined it. _

_Oh Edward… I'm so sorry._

_I had wondered many times about my ring. _

_Did he keep it? Store it away somewhere or had he thrown it away in a rage fit? I had seen Tanya's ring and it was nothing like mine. Hers was extravagant to say the least. Big solitaire diamond with smaller ones framing it. It screamed money and success. _

_Mine was simple, just a solitaire diamond and engraved._

_Had he engraved hers too?_

_Had he—_

_My phone chirped with an incoming message breaking my thoughts._

_**Need to see you. – Edward. **_

_It was 2am. And he needed to see me. _

_That could only be good right?_

_Right?_

_My stomach tightened in anticipation. _

_**I'll be there. – Bella. **_

_Of course I would go and meet him; the meadow was a bitter memory from this morning but now everything would be okay._

_It just had to be. I would make it okay. For both of our sakes._

_**No. I'll pick you up in 5. – Edward.**_

~O~

**A/N: Reviews will get teasers! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N: This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. Consider yourselves warned.**

**A/N: All the pics are on my tumblr blog natalievampgirl dot tumblr dot com. And on my Facebook Group under NatalieVampGirl!**

**Thank you so much for the support!**

**Un-beta'd.**

**Living in Sin – Chapter 5**

**Hope for the hopeless**

~O~

There's hope for the hopeless

There's hope for the hopeless

There's hope

Cold in a summer breeze

Yeah, you're shivering

On your bended knee

Still, when you're heart is sore

And the heavens pour

Like a willow bending with the storm, you'll make it

Running against the wind

Playing the cards you get

Something is bound to give

There's hope for the hopeless

There's hope for the hopeless

There's hope

There's hope

There's hope

~O~

**A Fine Frenzy – Hope for the hopeless**

_**Previously…**_

_I had wondered many times about my ring. _

_Did he keep it? Store it away somewhere or had he thrown it away in a rage fit? I had seen Tanya's ring and it was nothing like mine. Hers was extravagant to say the least. Big solitaire diamond with smaller ones framing it. It screamed money and success. _

_Mine was simple, just a solitaire diamond and engraved._

_Had he engraved hers too?_

_Had he—_

_My phone chirped with an incoming message breaking my thoughts._

_**Need to see you. – Edward. **_

_It was 2am. And he needed to see me. _

_That could only be good right?_

_Right?_

_My stomach tightened in anticipation. _

_**I'll be there. – Bella. **_

_Of course I would go and meet him; the meadow was a bitter memory from this morning but now everything would be okay._

_It just had to be. I would make it okay. For both of our sakes._

_**No. I'll pick you up in 5. – Edward.**_

~O~

Bella POV

_Forks, July 2006_

_True to his word, five minutes later Edward's car pulled up just as I was closing the door behind me. His shiny silver Volvo from our high school years was gone, replaced by a very luxurious one I had no idea what it was to be honest._

_But all the Cullens had a fascination about fast, luxurious cars. _

_His cologne engulfed me as I slid in the black leather of the front seat. _

"_Where are you going?"_

"_But your seatbelt on." Was barely out of his lips and the car marched forward. _

_As he drove around the little town of Forks we both kept silent. He didn't utter a single word and I didn't push him either._

_After all, I was in the car with him while just this morning I thought everything was over. _

_So no, I would keep my mouth shut if that's what he wanted. _

_He kept driving and driving, the car was the only one out in the so-called highway. _

_We had been on the road for at least twenty minutes when he suddenly left the highway and pulled up on the side of the road. _

_In the middle of nowhere. _

"_Where are we?" I whispered._

"_Just outside Forks, where no one can spot the car."_

_Okay…_

"_Why are you doing this to me? I couldn't even look at her in the eyes today. I felt horrible. I felt as if I had cheated on her. I can't do this. I'm not that kind of person. I'm engaged."_

"_Then why are we here, Edward? If you can't then why even bother?"_

_He stayed silent for a moment and then exhaled heavily, like there was a huge weight on his shoulders. _

_Which was probably true. _

"_I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about you and I hate it. I was doing so good, letting you go, and moving on with my life. I finally did it and now you're back. Why?"_

"_I love you. I came back for you. I can't live with myself knowing that I didn't try to change your mind." _

"_But you left me! You left! You said no!"_

_His fists slammed on the steering wheel and then grabbed his wild locks, pulling hard. _

"_I know." I whispered. "I know. I'm sorry, no matter how much I say I know you won't believe me but it is the truth. I am. I'm more sorry than you'll ever know. I made a mistake, Edward. I did. But it killed me in the process. I'm sure it killed you too. Can you honestly say that you're not even a little bit happy that I'm back? Not even a little bit? Cause when I saw you that day at your place, all the hurt and the anger melted away. You were all there was left."_

"_Anger? You were the one that was angry? You have some nerve you know that?" He snapped._

"_Of course I was angry. I had just run into your fiancée, and she flaunted her huge ring and her wallet was full of your pictures. Of course I was angry."_

"_You left."_

_Oh fuck that…_

"_Stop saying that! I know, okay? I know. But you made me leave. You think I left because I didn't love you? Because I had enough of you? Really?" _

"_I understand your reasoning Bella. I do, but we're not Charlie and Renee, how many times do I have to say that?"_

"_Now? You don't have to say that now, I know that. But back then? I was scared out of my mind. I was literally living my worst nightmare."_

_I was out of breath. I was out of emotions. Drained. _

"_Edward. Just please. Don't do this now, at least postpone it." _

_I could buy sometime with that, right?_

"_You deserve nothing. I owe you nothing!"_

"_Are you doing this to hurt me? Is that it? Cause you're doing pretty damn good."_

"_You know nothing about hurt. I was the one in pain; I was left with a ring a no girl. Not even a note."_

"_I was scared. I run away. It was the first thing that popped in my head. But I wrote you so many letters, I called you so many times and nothing, you never bothered!"_

"_I was left alone; after I poured my heart out to you I was left alone. What did you expect me to do, wait for you to hurt me again? Wait for you to come back and stomp on my heart again? Not likely."_

"_I would never hurt you like that again."_

"_It's too late for that now."_

_Was it?_

"_Is it?"_

_He looked at me then, with the same vulnerable eyes that he looked at me that night. _

_Sharp pain tore right though my heart._

"_I'm sorry, but I can't risk getting hurt again. It's too late for that now, Bella."_

_Dread spread through my body, that horrible feeling like you're suddenly falling from a great height and your gut tightens, ready for the impact. _

"_Then why-why did you call me? Why did you b-bring me here?" I stuttered. _

_He looked lost for a moment and then he composed himself. "I meant what I said; I did miss you. I thought that this could be something like a closure." He paused for a second and then added, "For both of us."_

_Closure?_

_It true, I had thought of getting a closure in the past but that though flew out that window not long after I saw Edward again. _

_I didn't want a closure. I wanted him._

_Misreading my silence he continued. _

"_I also don't think it's a good idea for you to come to the wedding. Make up an excuse, but don't come."_

_More pain._

_It was everywhere. _

_How can things change just in twelve hours? _

_He was shutting me down. Framing his family from anything that had to do with me. He was cutting me out of it completely, for good this time – or so he wanted to believe._

"_I'm coming to the wedding, if anything, that would be all the closure I need." Lie. "But this is far from over; I understand your need to protect your personal life and prevent yourself from getting hurt, but when you realize that I won't hurt you, then I'm afraid it's going to be too late to change your mind. No matter how much I try, you still can't trust me and that's my fault."_

_I could see it happen; he would get married and then beat himself up for it. He would be devastated and then things would be even more complicated than they are now._

_Could I do it though? Wait for it to happen, knowing that it will? Knowing that he will probably ask for a divorce not even a year into the marriage? _

_The answer was easy; I would anything for him. And if my punishment for being a coward back then meant that now I had to be a cheater too then I would do it. _

_As long as I was with him. _

_Could he?_

~O~

_The ride back home was both awkward and hurtful as well. _

_He should have thought about it; should have told me to follow him with my car or something, he knew we would end up like this so why didn't he?_

_The stereo was filling in the silence around us, and we were avoiding looking into each other's direction. I was counting down the minutes he would drop me off and then leave without looking back._

_Surely I kind of hoped there would be a movie-like scene where he yells for me to stop and the grabs me and kisses me. But that hope vanished as soon as Charlie's house came into view and he parked the car with a simple but oh so painful goodbye._

_I'll see you at the altar, I wanted to say, maybe break the tension but maybe that wasn't the best of ideas._

_I nodded my head back at him and closed the door behind me._

_This whole ride was totally pointless and a little bit dramatic if you ask me but now that I was back, I could feel the weight of what happened on my shoulders. _

_I looked at my dress one more time and fell asleep, in my dreams; this ride had a totally different outcome. _

_Over breakfast I made a mental list of all the things that I needed to do. _

_I had to find a house but that wasn't my first priority. _

_I had to call Victoria and that was on the very top with bold red letters. _

_Alice told me how much Esmee wanted to see me but I had no idea how the Cullen house would be like, a few days before the big event, so I pushed that a little further. _

_I had to call Victoria._

_I had to get a wedding present, something that occurred me just as the image on the Cullen house flashed in my mind. Big and sparkly filled with presents. _

_A present for Tanya and Edward._

_How was I still standing and not sobbing on the floor was beyond me. Truly._

_I had a little faith thought._

_After last night's resolution I was feeling confident again. _

_The word, cheater, appeared on my mental list but I ignored it. _

_I did. _

_I ignored it._

_Yes I did._

_There._

_Gone._

_Instead of calling Vic, I texted her an address in Port Angeles and begged her to meet me there. _

_Victoria lived in Seattle, her job was there, her house was there, her family, no matter how much I begged her to at least stay in Forks till the wedding she wouldn't hear any of it. So we met in the middle. _

_After a quick shower I was on my way to meet her. _

_Trying not to sound too desperate I held my tongue as she informed me on the latest news and the pretty new house she found. _

"_It's great and has the best view!" She gushed. "I can't wait for you to see it, B. It's amazing."_

_I nodded my head and smiled, happy that she found something she liked. Getting past our college phase was hard on both of us. _

_I had to go back to Forks and start making amends and she had to lick her wounds without any reminders. _

"_I'm so happy for you, Vic! We'll have a sleepover as soon as possible, I promise. I really need a girl's night just like old times."_

"_You know… There's another apartment on the building, just like mine, on another floor, a bargain if you ask me."_

_She left it hanging around us._

"_You said you were thinking about living arrangements. So maybe this is what you've been looking for. Just take a look."_

_Her eyes sparkled, "Just like old times B. Only this time, maybe you'll get laid too." She chuckled._

_Right._

"_Vic—"_

"_How are things?"_

_I sighed. "Not good. Definitely not good. He told me to skip the wedding and that he got all the closure he needed, just like that."_

"_But you are far from giving up, right?"_

_I smiled, countless night we had spent together, crying over our fucked up pasts. She truly had a big heart._

"_How are you okay with this again?"_

_It seemed like I would never stop asking her. _

"_You love him B, and though I don't know the guy, I can tell that he loves you too. You hurt him and now he's trying to hurt you back. Love hurts and all that jazz or whatever. The point is that James never loved me. He didn't, I was just convenient and he took advantage of the blind love I had for him. I'm sure karma will get to him and that stupid bitch."_

_Weeks before I met Victoria, she had caught her boyfriend, James, with another girl. Turns out they had been together for months before he even met Victoria. _

_She has traumatize, the image of them having sex in the apartment she shared with him had left her in shock. Soon after she looked for a roommate. _

_Cheating had hard for her, she had been that girl. She was Tanya and I had that girl. I was ready to do it and she didn't hate me for it. _

"_I'm sure he got what he deserved." I murmured, maybe I would get what I deserved too, one day._

"_B, stop over thinking it. I would totally understand if he was in love with her and they just couldn't help it but she was just like any other girl, and I was just a convenience. He was an asshole. Didn't even feel remorse. You're beating yourself up and it's merely just a thought of what can happen if things go down that road. Now, I'm going to talk to the landlord and put the apartment on hold, just in case you want it. Promise you'll come visit soon."_

"_Promise."_

~O~

_Only days before the wedding and even Charlie was walking on eggshells around me. He only asked me once if I'm going and never attempted to ask again after the cold, yes, I gave him. Sure he was invited, after all he was the Chief of police but he wasn't going. He had declined the invite long before I came into town. _

"_I just couldn't do it, Bells." He had told me when I asked him why. _

_Maybe that was for the best. Just my presence was enough to make things awkward. Beyond awkward. _

_I refused to leave the house for more than just shopping. I only even went when I knew it would be pretty empty. One run in and I hated that place already. _

_As ridiculous as it sounded I was even careful around the house. The last thing I wanted was a visit to the ER and a run in with Carlisle. _

_Three days before the wedding I decided that last minute wedding shopping wasn't going to be pleasant so I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and took a short trip to Port Angeles. While hating it, I still had to do it; otherwise I would just be the bitter ex._

_Getting the registry, I really wanted to get a boning knife but I opted for a cookbook. _

_It could mean, 'I'm the former girlfriend and I'm friendly', right?_

_I could care less. _

_After all I was not th—_

"_Oh my God, Bella Swan?"_

_I nasal voice called from somewhere, she could probably be in Alaska too and her voice would still be heard in this God forsaken place. _

_I hate it. _

_Is it so hard to just not run into everyone?_

_Jessica Stanley, my former friend and high school classmate. _

"_Jess." I gave her a tight lip nod. _

_Don't tell me about Edward._

_Don't tell me about Edward._

_Don't tell me about Edward. _

_I was mentally yelling at her. _

_But this was Jessica, and that would just not be possible. _

"_Oh my God, is so good to see you again! Are you back for good? Are you here for the registry? Oh how sad that must be for you, being back here in Forks, especially now. Oh Bella, I'm so sorry, I always thought you guys would end up together." She pouted. _

_I wanted to laugh, oh Jess, you and me both. _

"_Have you talked to him at all? I bet he was happy that you're back. I only met Tanya once, well twice actually but the second time she didn't talk to me, she was too busy fighting with Edward over the phone, for you I might add, so yeah, I only met her once and you guys are nothing alike. Well, except your taste in men." She giggled and then clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh that was mean wasn't it? Sorry." _

_But I was too busy trying to think and breathe at the same time. _

_Did she—Did she just said what I think she said?_

_Tanya and Edward were fighting about me? _

"_What do you mean they were fighting about me?"_

_I couldn't tell if this was bad or good but it definitely was something. _

_Yes Tanya knew all about me but to fight over it with Edward?_

"_Oh yeah, I was shocked. I run into her at the local shop, and she was blabbing on and on about you. 'Bella, Bella, Bella, it's always about her isn't it, enough already, when is it going to start being all about me?'. That's all I heard but she was livid." She nodded. _

_All about me? _

_All about me?_

"_Thanks Jess, really." I managed to whisper and quickly hugged her before running out of the store, present in hand. _

_And suddenly, it wasn't that bad anymore. _

_Maybe, just maybe there still was hope for us. _

~O~

**A/N: Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N: This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. Consider yourselves warned.**

**A/N: All the pics are on my tumblr blog natalievampgirl dot tumblr dot com. And on my Facebook Group under NatalieVampGirl!**

**Living in Sin – Chapter 6**

**Broken**

~O~

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

~O~

**Lifehouse - Broken**

_**Previously…**_

_Tanya and Edward were fighting about me? _

"_What do you mean they were fighting about me?"_

_I couldn't tell if this was bad or good but it definitely was something. _

_Yes Tanya knew all about me but to fight over it with Edward?_

"_Oh yeah, I was shocked. I run into her at the local shop, and she was blabbing on and on about you. 'Bella, Bella, Bella, it's always about her isn't it, enough already, when is it going to start being all about me?'. That's all I heard but she was livid." She nodded. _

_All about me? _

_All about me?_

"_Thanks Jess, really." I managed to whisper and quickly hugged her before running out of the store, present in hand. _

_And suddenly, it wasn't that bad anymore. _

_Maybe, just maybe there still was hope for us. _

~O~

Bella POV

_Forks, July 2006_

_No matter how much I texted him he never replied. Jessica's words still rang in my ears though I wasn't so sure if believing her was the right thing to do. Surely she had no reason to lie to me but I had to talk to Edward first. I didn't expect him to flat out tell me the truth but I could at least see his reaction._

_The day of the wedding I was a nervous wreck. It wasn't just the fact that he was getting married – I kinda tried to block that thought until the very last minute – but for the fact that things would forever change, either for the great or the worst. _

_I wanted to see the Cullens again but, of course, under other circumstances. I wanted to ask Victoria to accompany me to the wedding but that was impossible, it was bad enough that I had an invitation._

_The dreaded moment finally arrived and my knees felt weak as I tried to balance myself in those deathtraps. _

_This is it, Bella._

_The moment of truth._

_~O~_

_The last time I had been to this house it reminded me of old times. When I used to hang out with Alice and Edward. Have sleepovers and study sessions. It was full of memories of us. Edward and me. Our best years were clear to my memory; the house, these walls, the rooms, the scent._

_But now, now it was so different that if I hadn't walked through that very same door as I had done so many times before I wouldn't believe the sight before my eyes. _

_The house was bursting with life. People everywhere, flowers everywhere, waiters were caring platters with champagne and soft music was playing from the live band in the corner. The garden was magnificent, as it always had been this time of the year. Full blossomed flowers and cool breeze caring their scent around the air. _

_The front door had been wide open, with someone – probably from the wedding planning company since as far I know the Cullens never had a butler – that asked for their invitations and anything they wanted to put in storage. _

_No one had seen me enter. _

_I looked at the people around me, apart from a few familiar faces - distant relatives - I knew no one. _

_Everyone was gathered in the garden and as I passed the main house which was almost empty, I heard Esme's voice as she gave some last minute instructions to the catering people. _

_But like a coward, I quickly walked outside. _

_Rosalie's flawless green gown and killer looks were easy to spot, and just as she looked at me, a hand touched my shoulder. _

"_Bella."_

_Like sweet honey and summer flowers, Esme's presence was like a slap in my face. All the memories rushed back in. Christmases and holidays, summers and late nights. She had been the mother figure I never had. She and Carlisle had been the only parental figure I had, the only happy couple that was just as in love as the first day they met. Carlisle was a prominent doctor and women fought for his affections even now but he only had eyes for Esme. And she was the classical type of a doctor's wife but in addition she was Forks' own version of mother Teresa. She had the entire town eating out of the palm or her hand. Everyone loved her. _

_And now, now she was celebrating the wedding of her son. _

_The same wedding that she and I had talked about in the past. _

_Another slap in my face. _

_So much hurt._

_So many people I had let down._

"_Esme." I wanted to cry, curl into a tiny ball and sob like a baby. She was my mother, the closest I had to one. She had been there for me on my highest and lowest. _

"_Oh my pretty girl. It's good to see you." _

_Hidden words were behind the ones she spoke, where have you been, look at all this mess, why Bella. But the only thing I could do was throw myself at her always awaiting arms and inhale deeply. _

_Help me. I wanted to say. _

_Don't let him do this, help me stop it. Please, I'm dying inside._

_Her arms tightened around me and her hand patted my back. "You are so brave for coming here today. This day – I had another dream in my mind for this day, Bella. I would have been giving you your something borrowed upstairs and we would make fun of Edward and his nervous ticks. But he's happy, dear girl. I never thought I would see it after you left but he's smiling, and he's happy." She whispered in my ear, sadness filling her voice. _

_Edward's wedding day was a source of pure sadness. _

_What have I done?_

_My hands shook as I released her._

_The realization hitting me hard. He was going through with it. He was marrying another woman. _

_Every instinct in me was telling me to leave, run and never look back but that was what got us here in the first place, I wasn't going to run. Never again. _

"_I have to find Edward." _

_Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth, probably to stop me but I didn't give her a chance. Instead, I turned away from her, my eyes scanning the whole place. _

_It wasn't really that hard to find him, he was after all the center of attention. Surrounded by people, congratulating him on his upcoming nuptials, and Emmett by his side, grinning. _

_My heart broke a little more. He was dashing, glowing and he had a huge smile on his face. The same one that turned into a frown when he looked at me._

_Oh the joy…_

_I was ready to walk up to him and talk to him when a voice interrupted me. _

"_Ladies and gentlemen, please take your sits, it's time for the ceremony. Thank you."_

_A woman, the wedding planner, informed us and chaos ensured all around me, people were moving, trying to find their sits and my eyes were locked with Edward's. A cold feeling spread through me and my hands felt icy. _

_This was it. _

_And I didn't even have the chance to talk to him._

_No, this couldn't be it, it couldn't._

_I pleaded him with my eyes, to give me a moment, just a moment._

_Like he could read my mind, he shook his head and let Emmett drag him to take his place._

_And I was left alone, in the middle on the entry, surrounded by the beautiful scenery, if my feelings could project to those around me, I was sure the flowers would die from the misery and the pain. _

_I couldn't move my feet, nor did I want to. _

_Why would I want to watch him get married? To twist the knife in my heart? To torture myself a little more? The kill whatever was still left inside me to kill? _

_Pain engulfed me, my ears were buzzing, my lips were dry and my throat was burning. A sinking feeling started at the pit of my stomach and my knees were about to give the weight of the pain I felt._

_No._

_Please._

_No._

_No._

_Edward._

_No._

_The wedding march started and my knees finally gave in. Grabbing a nearby tree, I supported my weight._

_No._

_I shook my head as if the music would stop, as if time would stop and she wouldn't reach him. _

_Please don't._

_Edward._

_My mind screamed, it screamed louder than ever, a desperate cry for help. _

_Was this what dying felt like?_

_When the spirit died and the body remained, a shell of a person, with nothing left anymore._

_Her steps were slowly but confidently making their way to him and I stood there, behind the lined up chairs and the happy families, watching the nightmare unfold before my eyes._

_A few more steps and her hand was placed in his._

_He grabbed it steadily and smiled at her. Her own smile was beaming at him, her eyes covered with tears._

_But mine weren't coming out. My eyes were dry, so dry that it almost hurt to blink. I had nothing more to give, no more cries and no more screams. Nothing. I was drained of any feeling and incapable of reacting._

_Besides, what could I possible do? _

_Run to him and plead him to stop? To give me another chance?_

_I did that before and it got me nowhere, ruining his wedding would be the final straw. I would lose him forever._

_So I just stood there and died a little bit more with every word that was spoken._

_And when he finally said it, loud and clear, it knocked the breath right out of me. It killed me. _

"_I do."_

_~O~_

_The meadow was warm from the sunlight that bathed it during the day but I couldn't feel it, it felt cold and ghostly. _

_Unlike those flowers back at the mansion, these right here felt dead, like they could feel the pain, like all the memories that we had from this place had bled out and killed every living part of it. _

_I curled in a ball and tears started running down my cheeks. Drop by drop, soundless in the beginning. My head felt dizzy and my lungs burned._

_Drop by drop my cries turned to sobs. Bottomless sobs that rocked through me and echoed all around the clearing. _

_I was truly alone. In the middle of the clearing, crying out._

_The sight was burnt into my memory, every time I blink I saw her, in her wedding gown, lilies clutched tightly in her hands. She was beautiful, happiness radiating off of her. It made her glow. And he was fucking beaming._

_Hours went by and after I had nothing more to cry, my sobs turned to scream. Agony pouring out of me, hurt, pain, and bitterness._

_I ruined it. I had ruined everything._

_The night engulfed me and the sun broke out again. I didn't move. There wasn't a place in this world that I wanted to be except from with Edward, I wanted to be with him. Every cell of my being was screaming that I wanted only him._

_My rented car was still on the Cullen's parking lot, especially made for the wedding._

_I didn't even remember walking to the meadow but somehow I did, and now, I didn't want to go back._

_I wanted to stay here, forever. In this place. I could see us sitting here and there, after school, on the weekends, the place was almost echoing with our laughter, the sound of our kisses, the happy sighs and the hush whispered words between us._

_The day slowly came to an end and again, I didn't move._

_Maybe it was the shock or maybe I was delaying the inevitable. _

_Darkness fell around me again and I felt empty, the hours were passing me by faster than I wanted. _

_I wanted the time to freeze. I wanted to stay in this place forever, I wanted to stay here and live through the memories._

_Reality was too painful to deal with._

_ ~O~ _

_The warm sun woke me from my slumber; I willed my aching limbs to move and slowly opened my eyes._

_I felt drained but I knew I had to move. Charlie must be going crazy with worry. _

_Walking back was harder than I remembered, taking off my heels, I walked slowly the familiar path. _

_Charlie's cruiser was parked outside and the house was full with people._

_Charlie, with dark circles under his eyes, Sue, Victoria, Esmee and Carlisle, Alice and Jasper, Emmett and to my surprise even Rosalie. _

"_Bella!" _

_Several sets of arms were instantly wrapped around me and they all started asking questions._

"_Where the hell have you been?"_

"_We were worried sick!"_

"_Are you okay, kiddo?"_

"_Oh dear."_

"_Seriously, going MIA on us, Bella?"_

"_Rose!"_

_They all released me and I had to swallow to talk, my mouth felt like a sponge. _

"_I'm fine." I doubted that they actually heard me._

_Someone helped me sit down, my bones cracking in the process, and a bowl of soup was placed in front of me, garlic bread and a big glass of water._

"_We found your car in the morning Bella. We thought that something happened." Esme's voice was filled with anguish._

"_I'm outta here, she's fine." Rosalie threw me a pointed look and stood up to leave, grabbing Emmett, phone already in hand. _

_I frowned, she wasn't calling him, was she?_

_Emmett placed a soft kiss on my forehead and whispered in my ear, "He's been worried sick, Bella."_

_And they were out._

_~O~_

_After they all chastised me, they slowly left, leaving only Sue with Charlie and Victoria._

"_You diva, do you have any idea the chaos that ensured after they found your car? Charlie was going crazy and the Cullens? Girl, that family adores you, I swear if I didn't know better I would guess that they adopted you or something. And Edward? I doubt that bitch troll is having a good time while on the honeymoon." Vicky was gesturing with her hands wildly and her head bobbing, eyes wide._

"_Are you okay?" She asked in a much softer tone._

_She had been through hell herself, she could understand what I had gone through, and what was yet to come._

_I shrugged, "I don't know, I just feel numb."_

"_You'll feel better when Edward returns and well you know the rest." She winked._

_My eyebrows frowned._

"_Come on, when you wake up I'll explain everything but for now all you need to know is that what you were afraid of, unfortunately happened. The wedding knocked some sense into him and the whole MIA thing, it scared the crap out of him! He sounded miserable and he was going out of his mind, Bella."_

"_Wait, you talked to him?"_

"_He called me to ask about you, blondie was keeping him informed and she kinda likes you so yeah, he knew what was going on. The guy was ready to blow off the bride and come look for you." _

"_He would have known where to find me." I murmured._

"_Of course he would. Now sleep, you look like shit, no offence. I break it down for you later." She smiled, "You might get your happily ever after, after all."_

_And with that, I fell asleep, Edward's face coming to mind._

_~O~_

**A/N: Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N:** This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. Consider yourselves warned.

**A/N:** All the pics are on my tumblr blog natalievampgirl dot tumblr dot com. And on my Facebook Group under NatalieVampGirl!

**Sorry for the delay, this will be HEA, since you're all wondering. Oh and this is the last flashback, we're on to the present on the next chapter, you're all asking how many years after the flashback is the story set in, you'll find out next, any guess?**

**Living in Sin**

**Chapter 7**

**~O~**

Well maybe I'm just lucky

But maybe that's OK

Some people search the whole world over

Just to find a love, that's even half as true

As the love I've found in you

Some things really last forever

And some things are meant to be

Like you and me

~O~

**Lady Antebellum – Love I've Found In You**

**Previously**

_My eyebrows frowned._

"_Come on, when you wake up I'll explain everything but for now all you need to know is that what you were afraid of, unfortunately happened. The wedding knocked some sense into him and the whole MIA thing, it scared the crap out of him! He sounded miserable and he was going out of his mind, Bella."_

"_Wait, you talked to him?"_

"_He called me to ask about you, blondie was keeping him informed and she kinda likes you so yeah, he knew what was going on. The guy was ready to blow off the bride and come look for you."_

"_He would have known where to find me." I murmured._

"_Of course he would. Now sleep, you look like shit, no offence. I break it down for you later." She smiled, "You might get your happily ever after, after all."_

_And with that, I fell asleep, Edward's face coming to mind._

Bella POV

Seattle, August 2006

I looked around the apartment, taking in the view. It was all mine, furnished and new and ready for my new life to begin. I smiled to myself, a small step for humanity, a big step for Bella.

"Stop smiling and help me out here, girl." Victoria struggled to balance the paper bags she was caring with take-out food and groceries.

We had been cleaning and decorating for days, and now, it was ready.

All mine, away from Forks.

"So, how does it feel that you'll sleep entirely alone tonight? Well, not that you shared your bed with anyone for the past four years but anyway." She laughed and hugged me, without waiting for an answer as she left the apartment.

Alone.

Yes, I was but then again, not totally.

Edward was coming home tomorrow.

A month had passed without as much as a text, I was going out of my mind and just the mere thought of seeing him again did funny things to my heart.

Things were better; at least that's what Victoria told me after the wedding incident. She had spoken to Edward and she was certain that he had learnt his lesson and finally pulled his head from his ass.

Maybe that thought was the only thing that kept me going, because being away from him while knowing that he was having a blast with his wife on their honeymoon, could drive me crazy.

But no.

After my melt down I had made up my mind. I loved him. It was that simple.

I loved him and I would wait for him.

~O~

One would think that, if not a welcome party, at least I would entertain myself and enjoy the new apartment. But no. I waited for Edward – or at least a sign of him – till dawn.

Walking around the apartment with nothing to do was surely going to drive me crazy.

It wasn't until my phone start ringing that I snapped out of the daze I was in all day.

"Vic."

"Hey, baby girl, how's it going? So the building is still standing, what gives? I was expecting a demolition or something?" She giggled, from her voice she sounded way too happy for this early in the morning.

Demolition?

"What are you talking about? What happened?" I asked, it was too damn early and I got no sleep at all.

"Um, Edward happened. He came up last night." She paused. "Bella, what's wrong?"

Edward?

"Edward?"

"Yeah, he called me, needed to get in so I called the lobby and told them to let him up, he said he wanted to talk to you but didn't know if you'd allow him to enter, so yeah, I don't understand, he is not there? Damn." She seemed to be talking to herself more than me.

But my own thoughts were all over the place, Edward was here but left?

"No, he's not here Victoria where the hell is he?" I grabbed my keys and headed for the door, "I'm coming down."

I had to find him, I just—

"Edward?"

There, leaning against the wall outside of my apartment, there he was; red rimmed eyes and pale cheeks with dried tears.

My heart broke. He was here; he stayed outside of my apartment the entire night. He was crying.

My own tears filled my eyes yet again and I barely found the strength to hang up, "Found him." Was all I said.

Edward was here.

"Edward?" His eyes seemed unfocused and he looked lost, really lost, like the past few hours had past in a blur for him.

"B-Bella. My Bella." More tears ran down his cheeks. "My beautiful Bella." His lips trembled a little and I was truly lost.

I had never seen him like, broken, crying, sobbing like a baby. No. That wasn't the Edward I knew. He was strong, he had to be. I used to tell him that it was what would make him a good doctor, he could handle almost everything, and he wasn't easy to break. Surely he wasn't inhuman; he had his moments but never like this.

Even that fateful night that he proposed to me, when I left him he didn't cry, he had the same lost expression on his face, like the ground split in half under his feet and he was falling. And it was my fault.

But now, now I was lost.

Slowly, I lowered myself on the ground and gently touched his arm, not really knowing what to do.

"It's okay. I'm here."

Fresh tears ran down his cheeks. "Do-do you think you c-can find the-the strength to f-fo-forgive me? For what I did to you?" He wiped my tears away with his thumbs. "Don't cry, not again, not ever again. I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry, please say you'll forgive me, please baby, please, please." He was franticly wiping away my tears but it was a loss cause, really. His words only brought new ones and soon we were both sobbing.

"I was coming up last night," he said after a few minutes, "I called Victoria to let me up and I was ready to knock when I heard you crying. Your door is thick as hell and I could still hear you crying. For a moment I thought that something had happened but then I realized that I happened. You were waiting for me. Victoria told me to take it easy and be careful or she'd kick my ass and you were waiting for me, you were crying. God, Bella. What have I done? How can you stand to be so close to me after all that?"

Was he kidding? I still wasn't close enough.

Vic, bless her heart.

He was here, with me, at last.

"Edward, I understand, I-"

"No-", he cut me off. "Don't say that, how can you understand? How can you? You were honest and you were right, I was bitter and blind, I didn't want to admit that you were right about T-her."

The fact that he didn't even say her name made my heart actually flutter.

Is this really happening? Is this real?

I shook my head as if that would dissolve any doubts I had.

"Bella, please, please say you'll forgive me. I don't deserve it. You were right, you had every right to freak out and leave, I should have understood but I was too stubborn to look past the rejection. I know it's too late now but please, please don't give up on us." For a moment, he closed his eyes and tears leaked from his eyelids. "You never gave up on us, I did. I left you after that and never looked back. You begged me to rethink about it but I wanted to prove to myself that I was doing the right thing. I wanted to prove to you that I actually loved her. My God, what have I done? What the hell did I do to us? I ruined us, I ruined everything. When they called to tell me that you were gone after the wedding, it was like a switch had turned inside my head, like I was dreaming all this time. I wanted to hurt just as much as I was hurt. Oh God."

But I only focused on something he said.

He wanted to prove to himself that he loved her? Did that mean…?

I looked at him but he had his head buried in his hands, his fingers pulling his wild locks.

I blinked, afraid to ask for confirmation, afraid that this was actually happening, afraid to give in the moment and live it, actually live it.

Edward was here, with me, he was asking for my forgiveness, he admitted that he was wrong.

A little voice at the back of my head whispered that it was too late, but was it? After all, I was prepared for this exact moment. The moment that he would come and ask for a second chance, and I would gladly give it to him. But now, actually living it…

Shouldn't I be angry that he was a fool and that he ruined it all? That he didn't even blink as he said yes?

I recalled the last four years of my life, the years I spent pining over him, waiting for the day that he would hold me again, my cries and screams, all the nights that Victoria would hold me and cry with me for the loss of a great love. A love that doesn't easily go away. A love that doesn't simply fade with time. All those painful moments were burned into memory. But now, now that I was living the dream, none of it mattered. All I could feel was the pain, easing away, my heart slowly filling with all the love and all the desperation I had.

I only knew one thing; I loved him. I loved him so desperately that all the memories faded away, nothing mattered. I knew it felt like, being away from him, maybe he wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, he definitely wasn't the best husband in the world. But he was my Edward. He was the one my heart wanted. The one that made all the pain go away. He was the one I wanted and no matter the mistakes he had made, no matter the mistakes I had made, they all lead us to this moment. Surely if we had acted differently we wouldn't be here but this was the way life was.

Actions that brought us here.

To this single moment. The moment that I could hold me him in my arms again and he wouldn't push me away. The moment that those beautiful words would leave his lips.

My Edward.

Home.

Finally.

I opened my arms and circled as much of him as I could. It was awkward as hell and not like those movie-like moments, but this was better than any movie. Better than any love story.

It was my life.

Finally.

"I love you. I love you so much. Never leave me again."

I was barely conscious enough to hear him before exhaustion took over.

"I love you too, so much. Never again, my Bella. I'd rather die than leave you again."

~O~

I must have slept the day away because when I finally opened my eyes, it was dark outside.

"Am I dreaming?" I whispered, truly afraid that indeed I was dreaming and talking would only prove that.

He sighed next to me, his arms tightening around me.

Nope, definitely not dreaming.

"No, you're not. But even if you were, I wouldn't wake you. Ever."

"You're here."

"For as long as you want me."

I tilted my head to look at him, "I want you forever."

He leaned down and kissed the crown of my head, "You have me. You do."

I shook my head, ready to argue though I really didn't want to.

"No, Bella, listen to me. You do. I'll fix this, I promise. I just need some time, I own her that much."

It was true, he did own her, and we both did.

She was there when I wasn't.

Yes, it was entirely our fault but she fixed him when I broke him. And now, she was entangled in this mess we created. It wasn't fair to either of us, but especially for her. She did deserve better. And now we had to fix that, together.

I entwined our fingers, and waves of emotions ran through me. It felt so good being able to touch him again, to feel him.

"We'll do it together. I'll be here, waiting, for as long as it takes Edward. I knew where this was going, I'm not going to lose you again, I don't care. I'm not losing you again." I turned to face him, looking into his eyes, finally seeing the love he had been hiding from me.

He ran his thumb over my cheek and down my jaw, studying me.

At least I was glad I wasn't the only one that missed the contact.

"You won't have to wait long. I promise. I'll fix this as soon as possible, but I can't just flat out say it, I can't break her heart like this but it's not fair to you either." He closed his eyes, his jaw clenched in frustration.

"I'm such an asshole. I'll fix it baby, I'll fix it." He kissed my cheek, and looked into my eyes. "I love you. I missed you so much; I missed saying it to you. God I missed you. My beautiful girl, I'll never stop apologizing. Ever."

Then he kissed me, a true kiss. Like the ones we had shared so many times before. He kept apologizing with every touch, every kiss, every motion. He made love to me for hours, love and passion, frustration and anger, happiness and sadness, whispered words and tight hugs, every emotion we both had suppressed for so long, finally being able to act upon them.

He made me forget everything.

And I didn't care, caught up in the moment, he was all I could see.

My Edward.

Finally.

Of course, we both had suppressed feelings and unresolved matters that made the next few months a whirlwind of emotions and we both struggled to balance our reunion with all the tension around it. It wasn't easy, lying to everyone; though that part was mostly Edward's, as I had less contact with his family.

What was truly the struggle though, was the jealousy and the time he spent away from me.

It was a whole other thing knowing where the love of your life was and what he was doing.

At times, that made it almost impossible to bare but it was nothing next to the pain I had felt while being away from him. That was what I kept telling myself.

And slowly, time passed.

~O~

**A/N: Review and let me know what you think!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**A/N: This story contains mature themes and language. If you think that the material is offensive then feel free to leave. This is a product of my wild imagination and I am in no way familiar with infidelity. That being said, I will not accept offensive reviews towards me or my story. Consider yourselves warned.**

**A/N: No excuses. There just were no words in my head, at all. This is a small one but it is better than nothing. Sorry can't even cover it!**

**Living in Sin - Chapter 8**

**As Lovers Go**

_~O~_

_This is easy as lovers go,_

_So don't complicate it by hesitating._

_And this is wonderful as loving goes,_

_This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?_

_And I said "I've gotta be honest_

_I've been waiting for you all my life."_

_For so long I thought I was asylum bound,_

_But just seeing you makes me think twice._

_And being with you here makes me sane,_

_I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side._

_You've got wits... you've got looks,_

_You've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?_

_Tonight._

_Tonight._

_But you've got me..._

~O~

**Dashboard Confessional – As Lovers Go**

_**Previously…**_

_"You won't have to wait long. I promise. I'll fix this as soon as possible, but I can't just flat out say it, I can't break her heart like this but it's not fair to you either." He closed his eyes, his jaw clenched in frustration._

_"I'm such an asshole. I'll fix it baby, I'll fix it." He kissed my cheek, and looked into my eyes. "I love you. I missed you so much; I missed saying it to you. God I missed you. My beautiful girl, I'll never stop apologizing. Ever."_

_Then he kissed me, a true kiss. Like the ones we had shared so many times before. He kept apologizing with every touch, every kiss, every motion. He made love to me for hours, love and passion, frustration and anger, happiness and sadness, whispered words and tight hugs, every emotion we both had suppressed for so long, finally being able to act upon them._

_He made me forget everything._

_And I didn't care, caught up in the moment, he was all I could see._

_My Edward._

_Finally._

_Of course, we both had suppressed feelings and unresolved matters that made the next few months a whirlwind of emotions and we both struggled to balance our reunion with all the tension around it. It wasn't easy, lying to everyone; though that part was mostly Edward's, as I had less contact with his family._

_What was truly the struggle though, was the jealousy and the time he spent away from me._

_It was a whole other thing knowing where the love of your life was and what he was doing._

_At times, that made it almost impossible to bare but it was nothing next to the pain I had felt while being away from him. That was what I kept telling myself._

_And slowly, time passed._

**Bella POV **

**Seattle, 2011**

I looked at Edward's sleeping form, leaned over him and kissed his forehead.

He mumbled something and yawned. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah, gotta go to work, I'll see you later?"

He opened one eyes, and gave me a 'duh' look, "Of course."

It always surprised me when he does that. Every time I asked him if he'd be home when I returned from work he would look at me like I was crazy for asking, like it was unimaginable for him to be somewhere else. Which, don't get me wrong, it made me feel like I was on top of the world but then again, how could it be? He had another home, he had a family, a wife – and yes, the words didn't even make me flinch anymore. He spent so little time in Forks, between his rounds in the hospital and here that I couldn't understand. If I was Tanya, again the irony, I would be flipping out and be totally pissed. Didn't she care, I wondered, didn't she wonder where the hell he was all this time?

All these years, things went from good to freaking epic. The first year was the hardest, trying to balance between work, residency, family and us but we managed, not without difficulty. But after their first year anniversary which I was forced to attend, everything magically fell into place. And while I was still trying to process the way our lives blended in so perfectly, because what we could have had could have been so very different from our current situation; I was not going to over think about it or question it. With Edward and our history, enjoying the moment was my motto.

Edward was home almost every week, in the beginning and now, it would be a miracle if he spent at least two days over in Forks. What really helped was the fact that he and Tanya had a different schedule so whenever he was supposed to be at the hospital she was home and vice versa. How could a tiny hospital like Forks manage to do that was beyond me. But with time you learn to turn a blind eye sometimes, and besides, if he had it all figured out and could spend time away from Forks, who was I to ask questions.

Looking around the apartment, I smiled. Edward was truly everywhere. Walking over to the couch, I picked up the jacket and his shirt and a tiny white business card fell from the front packet.

_**Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, MD**_

_**Cardiologist**_

_**Forks General Hospital**_

To say that Tanya was a little too much at time would be an understatement. As Edward had told me, she had those cards made as soon as they returned to Forks; because it doesn't matter if you're fresh out of college, if you are a doctor you better show it off, in her eyes.

I still remember her own card; she just had to add the Cullen name too.

I gripped the card in my fist and it crumbled, turning into a tiny paper ball. Maybe it was the fact that she was his wife or the fact that on the outside she was too calm and too perfect but I did have a bad feeling about her.

Over the past years I had asked Edward about our little affair, and when the time would come for him to finally ask for a divorce but all I would get in return was a shrug.

"Bella, my family loves her and between my residence and all the time I spend here I hardly ever see her." He would always say. I think his plan was to ask for a divorce after they were both done and make it look like it just broke them apart.

Either way he was right, if he was not at the hospital he was with me. Surely his family had to have a clue about us, but with me being in Seattle they were hardly ever a time when I would accidentally bump into one of them.

Somehow though, that did not make me feel better.

~O~

"I envy you, you know." Vic sipped her coffee and looked up from her book. "This is so freaking good by the way."

I smiled.

My plan was to write and publish but instead I ended up editing other people's novels. And recommending them to Vic who would devour them in days.

"Yeah, when it comes to working schedule I'm lucky." She was currently on a break and I had just dropped some manuscripts on my way to her. That's all I see of my small office. Yeah, I'm lucky.

Being alone most of the time, reading is a very good way of occupying my time. And then again, I was in the middle of my own novel worthy moment.

"How's the Doc?"

"Sleeping."

She wiggled her eyebrows and I threw a used napkin at her face. "Stop that."

She laughed, "Well, you do wear the man down, Bella. Think of all the patients he has to save, you're literally sucking all the energy right out of him, let the man sleep."

Forks General most critical patients were probably those who had an accident while fishing but I could be wrong, it was after all paying more than well.

I frowned, remembering the card. "Why would a person like Tanya agree to come here? To freaking nowhere and get a job at freaking Forks?"

Vic stopped sucking mid sip. "What?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just have this feeling about her."

"Um, yeah, it's called she's the wife and you're not. And besides, Tanya is a snob, being a Cullen in Forks, ever Seattle, is like being the Queen of England! She's eating it all up, why leave that and go to some big city where she's a nobody."

I nodded, more to myself.

It was true but Edward was always gone and she was always inside that hospital.

I little voice inside my head whispered that maybe she liked her job a little bit too much but s person who prints a business card right after college is in it for the fame and money, especially when you can combine that with the Cullen name.

It's like being related to the Forks' Obamas.

"Maybe she doesn't care because she is having an affair too."

The words were out of my mouth before I could even register them.

Vic put down the book.

"Bella." She took a deep breath. "It's normal, I get it. Everything is perfect and you are too busy trying to ruin it to enjoy it. Just let it go. Everything worked out. They'll be done, he'll get that paper and you'll leave happily ever after and bang like rabbits. She's enjoying all the luxury she can, maybe because she knows it's about to end."

I narrowed my eyes, "You think so?" I had thought about it too, so many times. Your husband has done everything but verbally refuse to see you and you just take it? I did not take Tanya for that kind of woman.

"B, I'm not wise when it comes to this. I couldn't tell it for shit but when I saw it with my own eyes it somehow clicked. All the clues and all the distance, it is there, denial is just making it too hard to see. She refuses to believe it and is milking them till they dry. Who knows, just drop it. Normally I would say go for it, see what's wrong but in this case I'll say drop it, even if something is in fact going on, you being the one to find out will only make you feel like shit in the end. Do you want to be the one to solve their marriage problem when deep down you are in the middle of it?"

Stunned to silence I kept my mouth shut. But time was making me restless and even though a huge part of me was going with the enjoy the moment motto; another, smaller, part of me was fight for the truth.

In the mean time, I would take Vic's advice and let it go.

Maybe that was for the better.

Yes, I did not believe that for one second.

~O~

"You're not reading anything dirty, are you?" Edward's voice startled me and snapped me out of my book haze.

"Nope, nothing dirty this time." Putting the manuscript down, I looked at him. "Slept good?"

Walking like he is a runway model, he smirked and leaned down to nuzzle his nose against mine and give me a chaste kiss. "Better if you were there."

"So cheesy when you're relaxed."

"I'm always relaxed around you. I don't have to be at the hospital till tomorrow, want to something today? No movie night."

I smiled, this was not that rare but always welcomed.

"Sure, I'm free."

"Baby, you're always free. That stack of papers is portable."

That was when another stack of papers where suddenly flying across the room and missing his head by this close.

Cheesy asshole with a killer smirk.

~O~

**A.N: Not sure when the next one will come but I'm working on it! Thank you if you're still reading this!**


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